The Devil Plays Matchmaker!
by rosettique
Summary: The wish Levi made that day was simple: "Keep Eren and I in the reincarnation loop until he reciprocates my feelings and we get together." Then, as if as an afterthought, he added, "Without any interruptions or twisted perception of my wish from your part."
1. The Devil

_Prologue_

In the year 865, the Scouting Legion returned from their 63rd excursion out of the walls in their normal state – battered and bruised. Everybody had long faces as they crouched in the corners of carts or slouched on the backs of horses.

All except for one person – the Lance Corporal, Levi.

The reason for his exclusive happiness was simple: he happened upon a cursed demon on the Scouting Legion's 63rd expedition – a demon whose curse he might have accidentally reversed.

Hypothetically, if he had, the demon would owe him three wishes, as per underworld regulations.

Also hypothetically, if all that _was_ true and Levi _had _indeed set the demon free, his first wish would be for humanity to win the war.

The demon scoffed at the predictability of his wish. He did a strange, swishing motion with his extremely human-like hands and then looked up at Levi, grinning, "There. Your wish has been granted."

Levi was a bit (an understatement) skeptical about the whole affair, but he figured it could do no more harm than the titans.

The demon was about to teleport himself into Divesmal, present day Maldives, for his long-awaited vacation when Levi called out, "How do I claim my other two wishes?"

"You summon me."

"That's very helpful, you shithead."

"You summon me with your _heart_ and _love_, dear boy."

Levi cringed as mini seizures and twitches erupted throughout his body, particularly around the eye region.

"Fucking-"

"Tut-tut, I only answer to _the devil_," he said, before suddenly appearing in front of Levi and carrying out a curling motion with his pointer on the underside of Levi's chin.

Then, he left, leaving Levi shuddering in the aftermath of his actions.

* * *

**Author's Note**

* * *

This was supposed to be sad and angsty and somewhat tragic.  
I don't know how it mutated to this.  
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS ANY MORE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME.


	2. Nascent

**The Devil Plays Matchmaker!**

* * *

Humanity won the war against the titans in the year 866.

Parties were thrown, celebrations were held – the whole town was festive and spirited. Some big fuss was made as the gates of Wall Maria were opened permanently for the first time. Some bigger fuss was made when members of the Scouting Legion, who were apparently heroes of the town now _yip-yip-hooray_, were given honorary medals.

Everybody rejoiced, except for one person – the currently unemployed, grumpy, 40-or-so year old man, Levi.

He was in a bar, and sitting beside him was his longtime acquaintance, the devil (who had donned the most outrageous-_what the fuck is that thing even_\- neon-pink boa and paired it with a leopard-patterned coat).

"Well, congratulations, Lance Corporal!"

"Cut the bullshit."

"I heard they were gonna hang a _huuuuuge_ portrait of you in Town Square, along with that thick-browed Commander of yours, the other blonde one and the glasses chick. Well, I do question her gender-"

"Shut the fuck up," Levi muttered, desolation and despair apparent in his voice.

"-but she seems to lean more to the feminine side than not."

"If I threw one of those stupid Wallist books at you, would you burn and wail in agony?"

"Stupid Wallist books," the devil muttered questioningly under his breath. "Ah! You must mean their scriptures? Now, now, Levi, no need to be so rude - we need to respect the beliefs of others."

"I had to waste two wishes to win the goddamn war," Levi hissed.

"_No_, you wasted one wish to win the war and another to save your boyfriend," the devil corrected.

"Excuse me for assuming that 'winning the war' meant the whole package, with everybody alive and intact."

The devil shrugged, and a portion of his interesting, eye-catching attire slipped off his shoulder, "Not my fault. It's your job to specify your wishes."

"I had to watch Eren die."

"Oh, don't be dramatic. He didn't _die_. He was close to dying, that's all."

If Levi were any other man, he would've thrown his hands up in the air and proclaimed the discussion a futile effort and walked out of the cheap, overly-jovial tavern. Instead, he gritted his teeth, shut his eyes, and inhaled very, _very _deeply as he tried to calm himself down.

Actually, his first instinct was to grab his blades and stab them through the devil's chest to see if that would slow the spew of nonsense down for a bit but since he wasn't equipped with gear anymore, he would have to settle for the anger-management techniques Hanji had tried (and failed, quite terribly) to teach him.

When he opened them, he half expected the devil to have vanished – as he frequently did in the midst of their previous meetings. Surprisingly, the questionably-dressed man was still beside him, a nonchalant expression plastered onto his face as he inspected the dirt underneath his nails. He also appeared to have righted his boa.

"So? Did you call me here for idle chatter or did you have business with me?"

The devil cut him off before Levi could even get a word out, "Oh my, Levi! Are you actually here for chatter? Are you _making friends_? Levi! My sweet. You really have grown, haven't you?"

Levi cleared his throat to stop the moron from switching to monologue mode yet again, "I would've stated my third wish sooner and rid ourselves of each other if you hadn't fucking interrupted me at every, single, fucking, chance you got," he insinuated the words with a pause, for emphasis.

_And dramatic effect_, the devil thought.

"Fine!" The other man-creature- said, looking absolutely disgraced. "Go on, then. State your wish!"

"Keep Eren and I in the reincarnation loop until- until my, feelings, get through to the boy." Then, as if as an afterthought, he added, "Without any interruptions or twisted perception of my wish from your part."

"So, you're saying it's enough if only your feelings get through to your little birdy?"

Levi looked ready to punch him straight in the face and hear the satisfying crunch of the devil's nose under his fist as he said, "_Until he reciprocates my feelings and we get together. Without any interruptions or twisted perception of my wish from your part. Is that specific enough for you?_"

He shook his head, "I would've thought after making the mistake once you would be smart enough to not do it a second time. You're lucky I gave you a chance to correct your wish."

"Fuck off."

The devil needed no second telling.

Though, of course, as he had long since succumbed to his love for theatrics, he had to make the wind whisper in Levi's ear before he left.

_Fuck you too_.

* * *

Levi chased after Eren, sure. But subtly and not in the rose-showering, attention-showering, or in Mikasa's case, over-protective-with-a-drizzle-of-unrequited-kisses way.

As the Scouting Legion had understood for quite a while, Eren was the master at subtlety. He was most definitely not dense. Dense didn't even exist in his dictionary. Subtle gestures and words were the man's forte.

This trait of his was clearly demonstrated that one time Mikasa leaned in for a kiss – an action Eren promptly ignored. Even his friends, whose lives were in great peril when Mikasa made her move, took a time-out from fighting titans to groan at his incredulous ability at being absolutely not dense. But the real cherry to the whipped cream was how, even after the incident, Eren managed to stay blissfully oblivious of his sister's feelings for him.

It was precisely due to this talent of his that Levi had been stuck with his one-sided crush for years.

Levi supposed his feelings stemmed from that one fateful night, during which they were stationed in headquarters and Levi was passing by the door to the underground cells, one of which was Eren's bedroom, when he heard a shout.

Naturally, he was anxious at what the noise may signify. He hurried down the stairs, carrying a lit lamp with him, and rushed to Eren's cell, only to find that the boy had been woken up by a nightmare

He was relieved. Apparently, so was the boy, as these were his exact words, "Corporal! I- I'm fine. You didn't have to-"

Okay, maybe his words didn't exactly imply relief, but here's to hoping.

"You brat. Go back to sleep. We have an early morning ahead of us."

"Yes, Sir!"

That night, Levi slept in the cold, dank room beside Eren's, much to the boy's surprise when he woke the next morning.

Because Levi could be kind when he needed to be (was always kind, really, just made an effort to not express it explicitly), and surely, this was one of those times.

* * *

So, yes, to conclude, Levi chased after eren, subtly, but the dumb shit was too dense to even begin to see through Levi's actions.

Or maybe, Levi was too kind to want Eren to stay with a man twice his age.

It was really hard to stay kind, however, when the object of his affections was leaning against his door frame, hip jutting out to one side, sporting a devious smile and inviting him to a party.

"Party?" Levi managed, after a session of pure, unadulterated, staring.

Eren made a noise in agreement, before casually throwing out a "Yep, party. The Scouting Legion isn't all work and no play, _Corporal_ – though I'm sure you know that best," coupled with a wink.

Which made Levi think _what the fuck is he implying_ and _when the hell did he turn from the stuttering brat into this literal sex god?_

In other words, which made Levi unable to think.

* * *

Levi attended the party, which basically meant him bugging Erwin around all night, preventing him from getting his hands on any women. At least, until the perverted bastard shot him a look that was somewhere between a glare and a death glare and asked him, in that Commander Tone of his, why he wasn't spending time with the person he actually wanted to spend time with and really, fuck that asshole for being so, goddamn, all-knowing.

But that was how Levi found himself involved with brats half his age, playing a drinking game he knew he was going to win because the first time he drank shit was probably about the time when these brats took their first gulps of air.

He couldn't say he minded the way Eren treated his high level of alcohol-tolerance with reverence, though.

He could also live with piggybacking the drunk, shitty brat every day of his life, carrying Eren to the house he shared with Mikasa and Armin, provided that the boy did not regurgitate his lunch (or dinner, or _anything_) on Levi's back.

It went without saying that Levi would've preferred it if he was piggybacking Eren to _their_ house instead. But, he supposed, he would have to compromise.

* * *

To his great annoyance, Levi died about a year later.

"Don't look at me like that!" Was the devil's greeting as Levi passed onto the afterlife.

Levi scowled as he practically spat out, "What in fuck's name did you do this time?"

"Nothing," he said. "Much."

"Didn't I tell you _not_ to mess with my goddamn wish?"

"I didn't!" And then the grin Levi had been anticipating, "The universe did."

Then, he went on to explain, "Basically, if you failed to '_get together_', as you so eloquently phrased, with the boy after a year of meeting him, you will die and be forced to wait until the next cycle."

"How the fuck is this _not_ you messing with my wish?"

The devil sighed, "I told you – it was the universe."

"No, fuck you. Fuck- just fuck something. Fuck the shit that comes out of your bowels every night. Or not. Probably not," Levi wrinkled his nose in disgust, "You look unhealthy as fuck – your metabolism must be slow as hell."

The devil narrowed his eyes and was about to retaliate when his features froze, like he had thought of a better way to take revenge.

He did.

He snickered, leaned in, wagged his eyebrows suggestively, and said, "We all know _who_ you _really_ want to fuck though, don't we?"

* * *

That day, the underworld received a grim reminder of how one should never fuck with Lance Corporal Levi, who was honored with more medals than a man had sperms.

* * *

**Author's Note**

* * *

Well, I tried.  
I swear next chap will actually be relationship development.  
(And at least I managed to make my A/N look fancy as fuck).

B)


	3. You Petulant Little Brat

**The Devil Plays Matchmaker!**

* * *

Levi wasn't sure the asshat of a devil would keep to his word and reincarnate him, so he almost cried out in happiness when he felt himself being pushed through a uterus. And thank fucking God (or rather, the devil) it was a _woman's _uterus and not some bitch's or llama's.

(He decided it was topmost priority to clarify with the devil exactly what species he should be reincarnated into right after he was capable of speaking).

Well, technically he did cry out, though not so much in happiness as in whatever babies cry out for. But that was before he realized he was covered in blood and gore and _vaginal fluids_, _bloody hell_. Oh, how he wished he could have a fourth wish to wipe himself clean of the mucus-like substances.

He also couldn't wait to start speaking – what a shock it would be for the woman he would have to call his mom to hear the first word out of her son's mouth be _fuck_. Or maybe, he would be deemed as a child-prodigy for knowing such complex words. _Being treated as a genius wouldn't be too bad of a life_, baby Levi contemplated as he was being passed around from the arms of the nurse to the arms of the doctor to the arms of his mom. _It would certainly beat a childhood alone in the slums._

Then again, it didn't take much to beat his previous childhood.

As it turned out, Levi did grow up fine in a fine household, and his first word _was_ fuck, except he was still incapable of producing the sounds '_ke_' and so it came out more like a cutesy, insensible baby noise than anything.

Unfortunately for him, his mother heard the noise and mistook it for a yawn. She picked him up and started cooing stupid, insensible motherly noises and asked him in that irritating voice adults used around babies if _my baby was sleepy_ and if _he wants milk before nappy-time_.

Levi hid his face for a week to allow his dignity some time to regenerate.

His largest regret, aside from that event, was probably the fact that his height from his previous life carried forward to this one – he couldn't grow taller no matter how many fucking bottles of milk he drank.

_Fucking, blasphemous, devil_.

* * *

His father was a boisterous man, guffawing everywhere he went and raining spit down half the time he opened his mouth. He had the typical beer belly to be seen in moderately wealthy middle-aged men but, unlike most middle-aged men, he was faithful to his wife – a quality he should be grateful for because he did not want to see what Levi would do to men who dared hurt his mother in any way.

So Levi _had_ grown attached to his mom – what about it, punk?

Anyway, his father was also a merchant with high hopes for his prodigious son (who really wasn't all that prodigious but was merely treated as such because if he got through killing titans, he could get through _anything_) to expand the family business.

Levi didn't mind – would gladly travel the world in his dad's ship, in search of Eren. That was how, at the tender age of 22, he went aboard his classily named ship (his now, no longer his dad's), the Wings of Freedom.

Before he left, however, he made sure to drill one important detail into his father's head: _do not ever allow anyone to lay a finger on mom, got it?_

The pot-bellied man gave a frightened nod, before seeming to remember it was his son he was talking to and there was nothing to be afraid of (if only he knew), and let out a hearty laugh.

"If only you loved me half as much as you loved your mother."

Levi huffed, turned on his heels, and boarded the Wings of Freedom.

His father was wise – he knew his son wasn't coming back. He was alright with it. In fact, it was his original intention for his son to spread his wings when he gave Levi the ship. He realized the boy had been searching for something - his eyes were always darting about – and he lived for that something he had yet to find; something obviously not present in their town.

He sat down on a wooden chair with a content sigh as he watched his son's ship fade out of view.

It was also precisely due to this wisdom that he knew Levi loved him as much as he loved his mother (and that was a hell lot), even though he wasn't as fluent in displaying his affections to his father.

* * *

He was 33, a proficient merchant feared by all due to his rumored connections to the pirates, when he finally met the boy.

_Final-fucking-ly_.

He would've romanticized his first sighting of the boy by describing how Eren's fierce eyes never failed to transfix him, like in their previous life, if he wouldn't be outright lying.

Eren Jaeger was partaking in a scuffle, a regrettable way of spending his free time, Levi must say, when he was first spotted. Levi was in his office, going through his daily dose of boring-as-shit paperwork, when one of his men informed him about the brawl going on right outside his shop.

Levi obviously wasn't in a grand mood – who would be after being forced to sit through the inhuman amount of paperwork? And that was why, without uttering another word, he got on his feet, went out of his shop with a mind to show the boys what a real beating was when the emerald eyes glared at him and he was so taken aback he literally had to take a few steps backwards.

"Separate them," he croaked out instead while pointing at his men. "Bring them inside."

_Property damage and all related expenses can go fuck themselves in hell right now_. _Eren was final-fucking-ly here._

* * *

The ash-brown-haired one (Jean) was immediately excused. The boy took one look at Levi and _tch_ed before walking out, which Levi assumed meant that he recalled their past life.

If only things were that easy with Eren. From the cautiously inquisitive looks he's been sending Levi, it would be safe to gather that he had no idea who they had been. Levi supposed this could be a positive thing, as this meant he could start anew with the kid.

_But still._

"What's your name?" Levi asked – the most ridiculous question he's ever asked because here was the boy he's been searching for and instead of drawing up a marriage proposal he's asking him _what his name was_.

"What's it to you?" Eren retorted.

Levi swore, in that moment, there was nothing more he wanted than to fucking gut Eren.

"I asked you a damn question, brat. Unless you want to repay everything you've damaged, you better start answering."

Levi swore, in the next moment, there was nothing more he wanted than to lip-fuck (_aggressively kiss_) the pout off the brat's face.

"It's Eren," he mumbled reluctantly.

"Eren…?"

"Jaeger. Eren Jaeger."

Levi was about to leave it at that and have his people patch the kid up when the boy opened his mouth and asked, with his trademark anger, "What's your name? I told you mine! Didn't your mom teach you any manners?"

"You petulant little _brat_."

A smirk dangled off Eren's lips before he said his next line:

"Well, nice to meet you, petulant little brat."

And then he dashed, like the fucking winds of hell, out of the room.

* * *

"Why doesn't he remember anything?"

The candle on Levi's nightstand flickered as the devil entered his room.

"My precious boy!" The other male exclaimed shrilly. Levi noted absentmindedly that the devil had finally gotten rid of his annoying articles of clothing. Today, he was dressed up in very noble-esque fashion, complete with a cravat and a tailcoat and a fancy hat. "How are you? I see you've made quite a life for yourself!"

"Are you mocking me?" Levi gestured at the cravat.

"Mocking? Oh-what, you mean this little baby?" He twirled the neckband with a finger before continuing, "I suppose you could call it that, though I prefer the term _paying homage_."

"And what exactly are we paying homage for?" Levi asked, tone as dry as ever.

"Why, you reuniting with the boy, of course!"

"Stop, shut up, I'm already tired of your bullshit."

"Levi," the devil fucking whined, "we haven't even talked for five minutes and you're already being mean!"

There was a fine line between pissing Levi off and _pissing Levi off_ and the goddamn entity just crossed it.

"Why doesn't Eren remember a single shit?" Levi growled.

"I dunno – why are you always blaming me when things go wrong? I told you it's the universe – the universe!"

"You should give me a fourth wish for horrible customer service."

An audible gasp echoed through the room, "Levi! Are you- was that an attempt at a joke? Are you insulting me back? Did you just take our friendship up a notch? Oh, the way you mature every time we meet is just astounding. You might be a slow, emotional bloomer, but-"

The devil had no idea how he ended up halfway down the bottom of the ocean the next day.

* * *

While the devil was trying to teleport himself out of the body of water, Levi was busy tracking down a certain Eren Jaeger, also known as the boy who should've been his fucking boyfriend ages ago and seriously, why the hell is he _not_?

He realized that meeting the boy when he was merely 15 would mean that he wouldn't be able to see him transform into a sex god if he wasn't successful in capturing Eren's heart within a year. Instead, he would be stuck with this cheekier version of the stuttering brat.

Levi mourned.

* * *

The older man stood before a tattered wooden door, the supposed entrance to the dwelling of Eren Jaeger. Or so his men told him.

What his men didn't tell him – and they should've, goddamn it – was that Eren Jaeger had a sister, Mikasa Ackerman, who lived in the same house and happened to walk out of the door right when Levi was about to knock.

If the stare she was giving him was anything to go by, she must have at least some memory of the heartwarming times they spent in the Scouting Legion.

"Mikasa."

"Levi," she greeted, spitting his name out like it was a curse she would rather not contain within herself.

She most definitely remembered.

"Is Eren home?"

"What do you want with my brother?"

"More or less the same things you want him for," he said coolly as he leveled her gaze. It was at times like these that he prayed for extra centimeters.

Mikasa's eyes widened minutely at his enhanced crudeness. He shrugged.

As he was no longer her superior, he no longer felt inclined to act or speak moderately responsibly around her.

"Mikasa, wait-," the boy paused when he caught sight of Levi standing by the doorway. "What are you doing here?"

"You know him, Eren?" Mikasa inquired, her question laced with dangerous undercurrents.

"Yeah, he's the petulant brat from yesterday."

Levi was just going to filter that phrase out of his mind. From now until forever.

And ever.

And ever.

And if there was _still _time after that, then too.

"The petulant brat," Mikasa echoed.

He could see the way Mikasa's lips were quirking up and so he interjected before the little wench thought she won the round – "Jaeger, I'm offering to take you up as my apprentice."

Eren replied with a cry of "Yes!" before Mikasa could even think of slicing him with the kitchen knife she had became quite adept at handling.

Levi made sure Mikasa saw _his_ lips quirking up when he left the place with Eren.

* * *

The devil appeared in his room again that night, this time out of his free will. He was muttering something about ingratitude and an inaptitude for kindness and a lack of manners and lots of other shits Levi didn't catch, for he had tuned out at that point.

"Why the fuck are you here?"

"Well, you may be an outrageous asshole but I'm not and I'm still cheering you and the boy on, so here's a little something for you."

He threw the bottle of clear liquid at Levi, and said, "Consider it a peace tribute."

"What the fuck is this?"

Then, the idiotic grin of his surfaced and all pretenses vanished, "Lube."

This time, the devil managed to teleport himself far, far away from Levi before the man received the chance to dump him in the ocean again.

He had enough experience with teleporting inside water to last him several lifetimes.

* * *

"Heichou!" Eren barged in the room just as Levi slammed a chair in the general direction of the devil – at least, where the man had been mere milliseconds ago. "Are you okay? What's with all the noises?"

He glanced around the room, confused, before asking, "Wait. Were you talking to yourself?"

"I'm-," Levi was about to reply when realization dawned upon his features and his head snapped towards the brat, eyes turning into menacing slits, "Did you just call me _Heichou_?"

Eren opened his mouth to provide an alibi. However, after seeing Levi's stare, he quickly decided to shut his trap. He was caught red-handed and there was no way out of this other than to fess up.

He smiled sheepishly, "Well, I thought it would be fun, you know."

Silence.

Terrible, terrible silence.

Then, another chair was thrown, this time in the direction of the door.

* * *

"Wake up, sunshine!" Levi exclaimed, voice dripping with sarcasm, as he flung the curtains in Eren's room wide open.

"But Heichou," he moaned into a pillow.

"Don't you fucking _Heichou_ me. Up! You have some cleaning to do."

Eren shot up from under the blankets to give Levi the best pleading stare he could muster, "We're not even in the Scouting Legion anymore! Why am I still stuck on cleaning duty?"

"I assumed, from all your _Heichou_-ing, that you missed being in the Legion. And don't forget that thing you pulled about losing your memory, dipshit."

Eren went back to holing himself under the covers.

* * *

"_Brat_," Levi said, after inspecting the room, "have you forgotten how to clean properly? Exactly how shitty is your memory?"

Eren looked like he was struggling with a suitable response before he gave up thinking and hugged the broom to his chest and placed his chin on its tip, "Why don't you show me, Corporal?" the boy fucking _purred_.

Levi was confused.

Levi didn't understand if Eren was joking or if he was being serious.

Levi didn't understand how he found a 15 year old boy attractive.

Levi wanted to bang his head against a brick wall.

(Levi also wanted to bang said 15 year old boy. Oh god, was that even legal?)

"Exactly how would you have me do that?" Levi said at last, settling for stoic in case he misread the situation and made a fool of himself.

"It's up to you, _Levi_. I'll take your, ah, _lessons_ any way you give them to me."

Why did his name sound so exotic out of Eren's mouth?

_Fucking petulant brat_.

_But he's _fifteen,_ for crying out loud!_

Ignoring the sudden increase in room temperature, Levi smacked the boy's head and shoved the duster he was holding into Eren's hands before growling, "Get back to cleaning," and exited the room hastily.

Besides, Levi told himself, he wasn't looking for a quick fuck. He wanted a lifelong partner and he wanted Eren to be his lifelong partner. He will _not_ accept Eren's tempting ass for any other reason.

* * *

And that was how Levi died in a shipwreck a year later.

* * *

**Author's Note**

* * *

Wow, I just. Let's just say after I finished writing this I literally buried my face in my hands and laughed because this - it's not supposed to be sexual or whatever. This was supposed to chronicle Levi's unrequited love for Eren. I told you, this was supposed to angst the fuck out of angst.

BUT THIS HAPPENED.

THANK YOU FOR STICKING AROUND THOUGH, I LOVE LOVE YOU!


	4. The Blonde Buddies

**Author's Note: **

Alternatively titled: Levi's Bad Luck or Levi's Rants (Re: His love Life) With The Devil.

So, I said I had writer's block and then I wrote 4k words. Don't get me wrong - I'm not bragging. I'm providing an alibi for the inexcusable 4k words you are about to read. I need reassurance that this actually belongs under the 'comedy' tag because I feel like my sense of humor has been sucked dry.

Nevertheless, (hopefully) happy readings! c:

* * *

_Day 1_

"Give me equality."

"_Levi_, my baby!" The devil cheered as he watched Levi slowly appear in the underworld. "I hope your death wasn't too harsh – I tried to give you the most luxurious boat to sink in, but you've been ignoring all my offers-"

That explained all the Titanic boarding passes.

"-and I didn't want to risk getting thrown into the oce- _look at the sky, it's such a perfect shade of blue_!"

There were no huge bodies of water in the underworld for the devil to drown in and Levi shouldn't be able to cross back into the human world without being reincarnated so it was technically impossible for the devil to suffer through hell all over again, but this _was_ Levi he was dealing with.

Besides, what's to stop the man from doing so in his next life?

The devil shuddered – this endless reincarnation was the most terrible wish he had granted.

"Keep thinking that and I might just feed you to the sharks again," Levi stated casually.

The devil seriously considered passing his title down to a certain Lance Corporal because he's never felt more like a saint compared to any other man – Levi is obviously a natural at the whole devil business.

"Sweetie-," _what do you say to part-timing in hell?_

"No."

Glorious, mighty, Lucifer, when did this guy learn to mind-read?

"Grant me equality," Levi repeated, annoyance creeping into his voice.

"Equality?" The devil cocked his head to one side, the innocent curiosity apparent on his countenance. "What equality?"

"Eren and I, seeweed-for-brains. Don't reincarnate us into different social statuses."

"Levi, please stop bringing up underwater references, please?"

Levi gave him his best don't-fuck-around glare out of all his don't-fuck-around glares, effectively shutting the devil up.

"I'm afraid-"

"Heichou?" an all-too-familiar voice called out from the near distance.

Levi's eyes widened as he turned frantically towards the source of the voice.

"Shut up," he hissed, cutting the devil off. "And get lost while you're at it."

Without checking to see whether or not the devil did scram, Levi had composed himself and was calmly addressing the boy with a "Jaeger".

"Where are we, Levi? Do you know?"

"The underworld. You stay here for a month before you get reincarnated."

"Oh," Eren breathed and looked away from Levi, eyes taking in the scenery before him as if for the first time.

Levi almost smiled at how the boy's eyes were wide with fascination at the grand buildings and gothic ambiance. There was only one thing that could draw out a genuine smile from the man, and that was the (closet of cleaning supplies he ruled over back in his Scouting Legion days) boy.

"Do you- do you know where the others are?" Eren suddenly spoke, putting an end to Levi's creepy (though admittedly hot) fantasies involving sticks. Not _sticks_ \- broomsticks.

"The others?"

"Yeah, like Armin, or Mikasa, or-"

Levi found out today that the spreading of the wildfires of jealousy was the fastest speed known to mankind. Why the fuck did the boy need his little clique when _Levi was standing right in front of him, goddamn it. _Was he really as unpleasant as everybody made him out to be?

No, shut up, that was a rhetorical question.

"How would I know?" Levi snapped.

"Because you're Corporal!" Eren replied, strangely unfazed by Levi's sudden change in demeanor.

"Brat, I haven't been your Corporal in decades."

"Doesn't change the fact that you were my Corporal first and will always be my Corporal."

Levi's rational side was sighing and shaking its head and saying, "So much for equality."

Levi's irrational side was prancing around in fuchsia, windex-patterned tutus and rabbit ears, screaming "I'm his Corporal, bitches! Wait, I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that Eren, could you please give me an encore? What's that? I'm _your_ corporal?"

Fuck yes Levi was.

Except, "Wait. _Always_ your Corporal?"

Eren blinked, "Uh-huh," he said, a little unsure at what Levi was going on about. The Corporal never used to act this strange – this underworld place must have drugs infused in the air or something.

Anti petite, grumpy, potty-mouthed man drugs.

"Nothing more?"

"More?"

Where was the seductive side of the kid who caught on to all the dirty jokes when Levi needed him?

The older man grunted and decided to leave it at that.

"So, can we go find Armin and the rest now?"

"Why the fuck are you so obsessed over your blonde friend?"

"Are you jealous, Corporal?" Eren asked coyly.

"What the fuck! You can't just appear and disappear as conveniently as that, you little shit," Levi cried out at Seductive Eren.

"S-sorry?"

"And you absolutely cannot go back to stammering right after that!"

Eren was _convinced_ Levi was drug and this underworld place was unhealthy. Anybody could tell him otherwise, but he would not waver in his belief.

The brunette with the sparkling emerald eyes Levi only wanted on him was still rooted to the spot when Levi said, over his shoulder, "Let's go, brat. Don't you want to go find your boyfriend?"

The bitterness in his sentence surprised Eren.

"It's not like Heichou doesn't have a blonde friend," he sulked.

Levi's ears perked up at that and, really, nobody could blame him for finding one more thing to smile for.

* * *

_Day 2_

Through sheer, dumb luck, the duo found their blonde buddies the next day, after a night at some underworld refugee camp slash motel in which they shared a room and the sexual tension was suffocating.

Not that Eren was aware of that, of course. Levi did have an excellent poker face.

They were getting breakfast – some otherworldly (in the least figurative and most literal sense of the word) mush of potatoes, something that was supposed to be gravy but looked more like grime, and meat, of which the source Levi would steal, lie and cheat to keep himself from finding out.

He was about to take back the cheating part when Eren let out a positively high-pitched squeal at spotting two mops of blonde hair amidst the crowd. Of course, they belonged to no other than _both_ of their blonde friends.

It was weird how those two decided to pop up at the same time, as if it was fate's (or the stupid devil's) doing.

Levi's eyes lit up then, the fires of over-possessiveness-before-even-becoming-official illuminating them.

_Of course_. _Cheating – cheating – that would make the brat jealous, wouldn't it?_

(Exactly how one would attempt cheating before even being in a relationship was beyond him, but that was irrelevant right now).

_Well, it better. That fucking shithead may be dense as hell but even he had his limits. _

_Hopefully._

And what's best was that Levi had the exact ammunition to use against the little fucker.

He regarded the blondes swaggering towards him with a newfound interest.

* * *

_Day 3_

For some fucked up reason, Eren was now sleeping with Armin because they needed to 'catch up' and paint each others' nails and gossip and giggle and have their first proper sleepover in years.

Please.

That therefore left Levi with no choice but to bunk with his previous Commander. It was extremely frustrating, though he couldn't deny there were perks to the new sleeping arrangement – one, in particular.

He was able to discuss his proposition with Erwin.

"And what do I get in return?" blonde friend number two asked.

"Gratitude."

"From you?"

"No, _for_ me, not shoving my gear up your ass."

Erwin cracked a laugh at that, and Levi decided he much preferred this carefree jerk to Erwin's previous self. It seemed like with the burden of humanity lifted off their shoulders, they were better to become better versions of themselves.

"Okay, I suppose I don't mind helping you. The amusement will be payment enough."

Exasperating as the guy might be, he certainly had his uses.

One biological weapon, Erwin Smith, ready for attack.

* * *

_Day 8_

They made plans.

Then, they made even _more_ plans as Levi wanted to utilize Erwin's bigass brain to the fullest extent.

They were prepared.

Now, they shall debut their relationship in public for the first time.

Erwin had suggested holding hands, which Levi had flat out refused because that was too 'sappy'. The blonde raised a bushy eyebrow at that.

"How about me putting an arm around your shoulder, then?" the blonde friend asked.

"No."

Which was how they ended up simply walking around in circles, trying to invade each others' personal space but not knowing how to (in Levi's case, not wanting to because if there was one thing his miniscule-sized conscience cared for, it was to not do Eren wrong) and praying they might bump into Eren and- _the other blonde friend_ so he could flaunt his and Erwin's closeness to the boys.

That was, until Levi stopped abruptly in his tracks, causing the bulkier man behind him to crash into him. Somehow, the shorter man wasn't affected by the impact – he didn't even seem to budge.

With one glance upwards, from Levi to the scene in front, Erwin understood why the man halted.

The two boys were walking side-by-side, shoulders brushing against each others' and jabbing elbows to the each others' sides and taking the word _intimate_ all too seriously.

In Levi's perspective, at least.

So it came as no surprise to Erwin when the man turned around, face a torrent of vicious emotions, and promptly pulled Erwin beside him as he hooked their arms together.

It was, however, a surprise when Erwin caught the side glance Eren sent this way as he observed Levi's movements while feigning a laugh at something Armin said (something that was probably not even funny), before he upped the stakes by casually throwing an arm around Armin's waist.

Levi's jaw was rock hard with the tension of not exploding.

_The game is _on.

* * *

_Day 13_

"E-Eren, you've been acting weird lately."

Armin received a distracted hum in response.

"What's- What's going o-on?"

"Nuthin'."

Blonde friend number one was a beet-red, spluttering mess in the middle of the crossroad where Eren left him.

Armin raised his shaky hands towards the pair of flushed lips Eren's mouth was smashed onto a few seconds ago, his fingers carefully caressing the rosy flesh.

Blonde friend number two was a bag of weary sighs and "Levi, I don't think that's a good idea"s.

Levi was absolutely fuming when he grabbed Erwin and twisted him around before forcefully bashing their lips together.

Erwin wondered, as he reluctantly accepted his fate, why he ever thought this would be a good idea.

_Day 15_

"You look cute in those pants, Armin," Eren leered, albeit jokingly, as he spanked the blonde's butt cheek.

Erwin got out a heavily-emphasized "**_No_**," before Levi could even consider the idea of retaliating.

"Well, you look," a pregnant silence, "cute," Levi managed to wrangle out, "in that shirt."

"My plain, white, round-neck, 100% cotton t-shirt?"

"Shut up and play along."

"Okay, well, thank you, I suppose."

Armin considered fainting but thought better of it as he realized that if he was kissed and spanked _while_ he was conscious, he most likely did not want to find out what would happen to him if he was _un_conscious.

"You okay, babe? You're red all over," Eren had the nerve to say.

_And who's fault is that? _Armin wanted to cry.

Instead, he chose to sit down opposite Eren, as quickly as possible, to prevent further access to his ass.

"Yeah, f-fine."

Eren had said nothing about why his recent actions, but Armin was smart enough to conclude it was one, none of his business, and two, something his friend had going on with Levi.

It seemed like . . . they were trying to out-jealous each other.

He blushed an impossibly darker shade of scarlet with the knowledge that his _friend_ might have dealings – romantic dealings – with his _Corporal_ \- oh sweet, baby jesus.

Levi, unwilling to be outdone, chose to speak up at that exact moment, "So, what do you want to do today, honey?"

Seeing as he was holding Erwin's hand, he must be taking this competition of theirs very seriously.

"The weather is perfect for picnicking, don't you think, cutie pie?" Eren said.

Okay, two could play this game.

"We should visit the new theme park, fu-, baby cakes," Levi said, his lighthearted tone nothing more than a charade.

"How about that new restaurant, sugar?" Eren said.

Erwin's glare clearly said, _do not dare crack a sugar daddy joke_.

"I heard this place had a monthly musical, gummie bear," Levi said.

"So, where to, lollipop?"

"My buttercream?"

"Snow pea?"

"Stud muffin?"

"Pumpkin?"

"Orange?"

"Chocolate pudding?"

"Fettuccine?"

"Laksa?"

"Meatball?"

"Banana?"

"Sausage?"

"Nutella sandwich?"

One pair of bewildered eyes, one pair of amused eyes, and one pair of eyes emitting killing intent turned to Eren, henceforth known as the combo breaker (or the one who didn't understand sexual innuendoes).

"What just happened?" Armin squeaked.

* * *

_Day 18_

"Who were you in your second life?" came Levi's voice in the middle of the night.

It was unexpected, to say the least.

"Some merchant."

Levi nodded, even though Erwin couldn't see him in the dark, "Me too. Did you end up meeting that woman you used to chase all over the place?"

Though the memory was fuzzy, Erwin remembered the time they drank a bit too much right after their victory over the titans – he must've told Levi about Marie then.

"No. Did you meet Jaeger?"

"I did."

"And?"

"And nothing, dumbass. Why do you think I'm using you right now?"

_Using you_, Erwin reflected sourly.

"Makes sense."

"Did you end up with anybody at all?"

"No."

"That's weird as fuck. Didn't you want to marry or whatever? What about during our first cycle?"

"First cycle? Oh- you mean after you died of a cleaning accident."

"You will not bring up the cleaning accident, fuckhead."

"It's a taboo, now?"

"No shit."

"Says who?"

"_Erwin_."

"Fine," he muttered grumpily. "Good night, Levi."

They slept peacefully after that.

* * *

_Day 21_

"Morning, Heichou," a cheery voice greeted him as he stepped out of his and Erwin's shared place.

It was the first time the brat had talked to him since they parted ways on the first day.

"Little shit," he responded.

"Levi, Sir, I was just wondering if you might want to go on a double date with Armin and I."

_Double date._

_Double date._

_What the fuck was a double date._

_Was a double date what he thought it was._

_Fucking double dates and fucking Eren Jaegers._

"Sure," he said instead. "When?"

"Tomorrow."

"We'll meet you fuckers here."

The smile, if it could even be called that, Levi left Eren with was murderous.

* * *

_Day 22_

"Some ground rules before we go through with this," Erwin said the next day, when Levi conveniently chose to inform him of the double date he would be attending ten minutes before said date happened.

"One, no kissing. Two, no hugging. Three, no touching."

"Rich coming from the man who wanted to hold hands and half-hug."

"No, Levi, you don't understand. I'm afraid I might be desperate enough to actually kiss you back this time. What do I do if I kiss you back?"

"Levi, you jerk, are you even listening?"

"Levi!"

The black-haired man sighed aggravatingly as he lingered in the doorway, "So what if you kiss back? All the better to get the brat riled up with."

"What?"

"I said, all the better to get the brat riled up with. As a thank you for putting on such a good show, I might just stop cleaning my ass with your toothbrush."

"You- you what! Levi, don't you care about me at all? I'm a delicate old man with a fragile body and even more fragile feelings. Levi, get back here!"

* * *

Eren smiled at the couple as they walked towards him and Armin. He exuded an air of calm, much unlike his blondie, who was a nervous wreck beside him.

Why the boy had anything to be nervous of, Eren was unsure. It wasn't like Eren was going to harm him or coerce him into doing things he didn't want to do, like kiss him or grope him or whatever.

Of course not.

"Levi! And Commander, hi."

Erwin's lips twitched fondly at the use of his previous title.

"Hello," he tipped his head at the boys.

"So, where should we go first?" Eren asked the group.

* * *

As compromise, they ended up going to the café first, for breakfast, and then the amusement park - which was entirely not amusing, Levi said, quite vocally, which then received an 'of course – how could anything beat the thrill of killing titans for the Corporal?' from Eren.

Just because it made sense doesn't mean Eren wasn't a cheeky brat.

Levi made that quite clear when he confronted the boy, looking for all the world like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum due to his height, and pointed out exactly how and why Eren was 'so, super annoying' (his words).

Erwin wondered if anyone else caught the sliver of fondness layered beneath his words.

Eren grinned.

Erwin found it curious how the boy evolved into such a self-assured and, might he say, cocky young man.

Not that he wasn't confident before - but it was a different sort of confidence. This one made it seem like he had Levi all wrapped up around his pinky (that was true, but the boy probably didn't know that, otherwise he wouldn't have resorted to Armin).

Truth to be told, Erwin found the whole situation rather silly. It was evident that they both reciprocated each others' feelings, so why go through all the hassle of trying to make each other jealous instead of just making the first move?

_Man pride_, Erwin thought, shaking his head.

* * *

Because ending dates with chaste kisses atop Ferris wheels were too mainstream for Levi, Eren proposed the haunted house as their final attraction. Levi saw it as a challenge and immediately agreed.

He was right – it _was _a challenge. However, he's got the nature of the challenge all mixed up.

It wasn't about who was the bravest one amongst them all – oh no. Rather, it was about who could be more of a man for their beloved blonde friends.

* * *

It came as no surprise to everyone when Armin confessed, in a timid whisper, his fear of the dark and of ghosts. Eren did a complete 180 and switched from cocky bastard to gentle, loving, caring, tender boyfriend without even batting an eye as he immediately enveloped Armin in a hug and murmured, "I'll protect you," against his ears.

It earned him a squeal, though it was definitely not a good, head-over-heels, crazed-fangirl kind of squeal. Still, Eren believed that there was no such thing as a completely bad squeal.

Erwin was pretty good in reading glares – especially those of his previous Corporal's, if he might say. He interpreted the one Levi was shooting his way right now as: _pretend to be scared as well, shitty ass. _He understood why Levi would request that, but he had his pride and an image to keep up.

He chose to ignore Levi's look.

* * *

Bad idea.

_Why don't I ever learn?_ Erwin asked himself as he clutched onto his side and caressed the spot Levi had just jabbed.

That man had extremely pointy elbows.

He started walking again not long after, reluctantly making progress through the haunted house. When he caught sight of his- _companion- _in front, he could honestly say he was surprised the man had waited for him.

_Although_, Erwin mused, _he probably only did it for his own gain._

He needed someone to shelter from the dangers of the haunted house to prove how insanely attentive and thoughtful and protective he was and he needed Erwin to accomplish that.

Suddenly, a ghoul dropped down from the ceiling. Erwin gave a suffering sigh before side-stepping it. The stupid monster had hair so tangled up it seemed to have gone centuries without being washed. Hell, it probably had.

He scrutinized the props surrounding him, so that his walk would be as drawn out as possible, as he made his way to Levi's side because he wasn't looking forward to playing some damsel-in-distress when he had faced fucking titans.

Of course, he could just ignore Levi's plea for help and breeze through the attraction but he wasn't looking forward to getting beaten up as well so he decided to choose the lesser evil out of the two.

* * *

"Shit! Eren! Get that thing away from me!" Armin hollered as a costumed ghost crept up from behind him.

The brunette laughed as he jumped between his blond and the monster, successfully scaring it away.

"Relax, Armin. You know they're fake."

"But- but still…"

Behind, things were a lot more exciting and spiced up:

"Oooh, scary," Erwin remarked, unimpressed, as the ghost approached them.

Levi stepped on his foot.

"Shit!" he shouted, before hissing, "Okay, fine! I'll say it with more conviction."

"Oh my Maria, look at that monstrous thing! Levi, help my poor soul and take it down right this instance! Your Commander orders you to!"

Armin would give him a10 for effort, although it was a little lacking in the authenticity department. Levi figured it was good enough.

Erwin watched, worriedly, as the shorter man stealthily sauntered towards the pitiful ghost. It had no idea how royally screwed it was. If only it understood what the glint in Levi's eyes meant.

"Levi, please don't actually kill the soul, okay? I was just kidding."

"Levi."

"_Levi._"

"Eren, Armin, help me get Levi off that thing!"

* * *

The day drew to a close with Levi purchasing a cup of ice cream for Erwin (what even?).

Needless to say, that prompted Eren to counterattack by presenting a bouquet of roses to Armin (how and where did the kid even get roses at this hour?).

Unwilling to be outdone, Levi sprinted away, before coming back with roasted corn and a peck on Erwin's cheek.

As expected, Eren inched closer to Armin and placed an innocent kiss on his lips.

And thus marked the start of the night's series of not-so-innocent sexual harassments.

* * *

They were finally outside their respective cottages.

Armin swore his ass was as red as his face, although for slightly different reasons.

Erwin just wanted to get the whole thing done and over with so he could go to bed and either pretend this never happened or blame it on non-existent alcohol.

He knew he was duty-bound to respond to Levi's roughly brutal kiss – just to play his part right and hopefully keep his soul intact for the next reincarnation cycle – but that didn't mean he enjoyed it.

At least, he wasn't about to admit he did.

He had to say though, the highlight of the day was probably when Eren practically shouted, "Goodnight, Heichou," but still managed to imbue sultry undertones to the simple phrase from the other side of the road right after he finished kissing Armin.

He imagined just how dejected Arlert would feel if he had any sincere feelings towards Eren.

And then Levi replied, "Goodnight," voice all raspy and winded and gravelly and Erwin had to concede that the brat was damn lucky.

* * *

_Day 26_

A part of Levi wanted to unsee what he just saw but another, and perhaps more dominant, part demanded that he should've been made aware of this from way before and so fuck that stupid devil for not telling him Important Information.

He saw Eren and Armin – look, he was even alright with saying the blonde's name now! – strolling through the absurdly well-kempt gardens. They were undeniably close, but they were also undeniably platonic – they stayed out of each others' personal space and joked around and guffawed like best friends would, not like how lovers would giggle and whisper sweet nothings in their partner's ears.

Not that _Levi _would _giggle_, he was too much of a manly man to do that. Really – it was a crime to even entertain the thought.

Levi cursed himself for being so blinded by his jealousy that he failed to see what was laid out crystal clear before him.

"Young love," a wistful voice said. "It is blinding." A sigh.

"Impeccable timing, asshat," Levi muttered without even turning to greet the newcomer.

"Why are you always ignoring me?" the devil huffed sullenly.

"Because you are a little fuck who deserves being ignored."

"Well, someone's in a good mood!" he singsonged.

Levi was glaring daggers as he turned to face the devil.

No, scratch that, he was glaring motherfucking 3DMGs.

"No, really, I wasn't being sarcastic! What happened?"

More 3DMG.

"What happened was that the brat wasn't actually into his blonde friend."

The devil blinked, and if Levi hadn't known better, he might've bought into the idiotic demon's innocent act.

"You mean you hadn't known?" he had the audacity to tilt his head sideways, for extra effect.

"You _fucktard_," Levi hissed.

This time, he not only glared 3DMG but breathed and spewed out 3DMG too.

* * *

_Day 30_

It took him three days to get around his pride and apologize to the boy.

The boy was eating lunch on the veranda of his favorite café – the one Levi thought was okay though not outstandingly so but Eren _swore_ had the best food he'd ever tasted through all of his lives (he didn't even have an impressive life record – he'd only been reincarnated _once_).

He was unusually alone, without his friend to keep him company, and the contrast caused Levi to curse, inwardly this time, as his mistake was rubbed all over his face again.

"Oi, brat," he said as he slid smoothly into the chair beside Eren.

"Levi," the boy said frankly, without any hints of coyness, before turning his attention back on munching his food properly.

Levi thought (in an absolutely detached and passing way, of course) that was kind of cute.

He also thought it was probably better for him to just drop the bomb now instead of beating around the bush, so he said, "Sorry."

Eren stopped chewing at that and angled his body sideways to face Levi, "For what?"

"The whole thing."

"You're gonna have to be more specific, Corporal."

He was gaining a bit of his (infuriatingly cute) teasing attitude back and Levi wasn't sure whether he liked it or not (_sure_, he didn't).

"Sorry for messing around with Erwin."

Eren raised his eyebrows.

"Fine – sorry for messing around with Erwin to try and make you jealous."

Eren smiled.

"Fuck you," he growled threateningly.

"I suppose I'm sorry too for not being the greater man." A pause. "You know I wasn't serious with Armin too – I was just trying to get to you."

Eren did a double-take at the look on Levi's face, "Wait, you didn't know I was just teasing you?"

Levi could practically _see_ the light bulb lighting up atop Eren's head, "No wonder you were so pissed the whole time!"

_Fucking _(irresistible, endearing, maddening) _brat_.

* * *

They had promised to meet the next day, after Eren laughed the whole thing off and Levi was done raging and Eren asked if it was because of his age in their previous lives (_Which one?_ Levi snapped. Eren had a little gleam in his eye, a sign Levi had learnt meant that horrible things were to come, before he said, _When you changed your name to _Petulant Little Brat.) that Levi refused to have anything to do with him. Eren received a grunt in return.

The brat couldn't possibly expect him to admit the life partner thing, Levi reasoned.

Levi had it all planned out – the café, another theme park, which was supposedly better, then some cliché thing Eren would probably want to do.

Unfortunately, he passed onto his next life in his sleep as the clock struck midnight on his 31st day in the Underworld.

Well, he did say they were only allowed a one month stay before being reincarnated.

* * *

This fan fiction is sponsored by DFA:

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* * *

**Additional Notes **\- Because I'm chatty like that.

Pet-name cheat sheet: 1364758/250-romantic-nicknames-loved-ones.


	5. Our Thousand Year Anniversary

**The Devil Plays Matchmaker!**

* * *

The words rang through the room, clear and sharp, just as the gavel was brought down, "You are hereby sentenced to death!"

* * *

Levi had remained calm throughout the entire session in court. It was a façade. He wasn't afraid, not by a long shot. He was, however, pissed and frustrated as hell, and he made that very clear to the walls in his cell when he was thrown back into that shithole as he rammed his fists into the bricks.

_What the fuck is up with them anyway?_

He had been framed for murder by some bastards from his first life. No, correction, the bastards from the life before his first life – when he still ran the black market. It's been literal lifetimes since he crossed their paths; it's been at least a thousand, fucking years, and they're still unwilling to let him off the hook?

He tensed up when he felt the presence behind him, but scoffed and proceeded to plop down on the side of his bed when he realized who it was.

"What?" Levi snapped.

"My, my, something bad happened?"

"Quit your stupid act."

"I didn't think it was actually possible for you to get pricklier than you usually are, you know. But here you are, surprising me again!"

"You could've at least given me a grace period, you shithole."

"Whatever are you going on about, dear?"

"My time in the underworld. Things were finally going well with Eren, but I just had to pass on the next day."

"Rules are rules, Levi. A month before you get reincarnated – you know that."

"Grace fucking period."

"Yes, because that's what hell is known for. _Grace_," he said wryly.

Levi ignored the devil, figuring the stupid creature might actually have enough sense to leave him the fuck alone if he did it for long enough.

"But anyway, the trial! How did it go?"

Quiet reigned down.

"You're no fun like this, Levi!" he pouted when he realized he was being given the cold shoulder. "And here I was, about to deliver you good news. Guess you don't want it then?"

Slowly, Levi turned his head just the slightest bit, so his eyes could bore holes into the devil's thick skull.

"Spill."

The devil understood, from plenty of past experiences, that it would be wise to not defy Levi's wishes when that dark aura overtook him.

"I've left you a little, shall we say, parting gift, right in this prison."

The words wrapped itself around Levi's head and the moment Levi understood the devil's implication was so painfully obvious even Eren would've seen through what the widening of his eyes meant.

"Have fun, darling," the devil cooed before vanishing into thin air.

For the first time in a thousand years, Levi felt like he might actually be able to tolerate the poophead.

* * *

There was the shuffling of footsteps before the voice of the boy he had been pining for a thousand years said, "Here's your dinner," from beyond the bars and it was everything Levi had been waiting for and if only it was the voice he came home to and he was going to shamelessly reuse the phrase 'a thousand years' because it had finally went from being an expression to being literal.

(Cue: manic laughter).

(Note that it wasn't _Levi_'s manic laughter – he was classy and sophisticated, he would never perform something as crass as crazed laughter).

"Eren."

The boy – well, the adult that would always be a boy in Levi's eyes – does that sound creepy when paired with Levi's intentions towards the boy? – would've dropped the platter of food had he been holding them.

"H-Heichou!"

Even after all this time (a thousand years, to be specific) the boy still couldn't let go of the nickname.

Levi leaked a bit of happiness at that, causing his lips to curve minutely upwards.

"Heichou, what are you doing here!" Eren asked, sounding more like he was proclaiming something rather than asking something.

"Nothing much."

"What do you mean-" _nothing much_.

"I'm here on vacation."

"Huh?"

"Vacation. That thing people sometimes do when they're overworked. I realize this word is a strange and almost sacred term to us, but don't worry, Eren. Change isn't always bad."

"Levi Heichou, you are not well."

"You're wrong. I am fine. I am on a vacation."

"Why does your mentality seem to worsen with each lifetime?" Eren cried.

Levi sighed, "Know what sarcasm is, dumb brat?"

As if to counter the horrid accusation against his intelligence, Eren uttered the smartest sounding word he knew, "Huh?"

Levi sighed (again), "Well, whatever. I'm here for murder."

"Who? What?"

"That's the thing," Levi's eyes narrowed. "Nobody. I killed nobody."

"So, why is Heichou here again?"

"I'm framed for murder, dumb shit."

It seemed like Eren had just upgraded from dumb brat to dumb _shit_. If he kept this up, he might even get to take home the dumb _fuck_ award.

"But you're Levi," Eren said, as if that was supposed to explain everything.

"Was that the sound of me falling off your hero pedestal? Sorry to disappoint you, brat."

"No! No. That's not true. That's not- Levi Heichou will always be perfect in my eyes!"

He was about to reply when a clatter of something from beyond his bars startled him awake.

_It was a dream, then_, he reflected bitterly.

He looked up from his bed sheets and straight into the most mesmerizing pair of emerald irises he's ever had the pleasure of knowing.

"H-heichou!"

Even after all this time (a thousand years, to be specific) the boy still couldn't let go of the nickname.

Levi leaked a bit of happiness at that, causing his lips to curve minutely upwards.

"Heichou, what are you doing here!" Eren asked, sounding more like he was proclaiming something than asking something.

He opened his mouth, the words _I'm here on vacation_ on the tip of his tongue, when he remembered how well that went in his dream and decided against sarcasm – "I'm framed for murder" – and cut to the chase instead.

"What do you mean-"

Levi gave up.

He was caught between wanting to face palm himself and wanting to face palm (shove his fist into Eren's soft face) the boy.

It seemed like no matter how he tried to steer the dialogue in a different path, the boy would still be as dense as ever – sorry, as _subtle_ as ever. It didn't even matter if it was in a dream or in real life – his conscience had understood Eren's knack for subtlety so well the boy's response were perfectly delivered in his dream.

In the end, Levi decided that changing the subject would be the best course of action.

"Brat, why don't you come in here?"

He gave the boy a once-over, to determine his age, and hopefully free himself of guilt in regards to the series of events he was about to set in motion.

"It's getting kind of cold inside and I've heard the best way to warm up is by sharing body heat."

* * *

Eren gawked.

Was Levi using a _pick-up line_ on _him?_

True, he had been hitting on Levi for quite some time now (a thousand years) but this, he never expected, what – apologies, he was mentally incapacitated and unable to form coherent thoughts for the time being.

He was, however, perfectly capable on acting upon his carnal desires, which commanded him to unlock the door, shove himself inside and lock it up again before anyone could even make out and understand his flurry of movements – himself included.

Levi was still on the bed, a thin layer of cloth covering his bottom half, as he watched Eren approach, cautious and unsure.

He sighed (the third time tonight) – he couldn't do it, after all, not with the boy staring at him all wide-eyed like Levi might hurt him.

"Forget it. Get out."

Eren paused on his way to Levi's bed, an expression that might've resembled hurt flashing across his face for a fraction of a second before determination took its place.

"No! Heichou said I could share body heat with him, so-"

"Oi, Jaeger! What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"**Oi! Get the fuck off me!**"

He threw himself atop Levi and tackled the man deeper into the mattress.

"-so, that's exactly what I'm doing."

Levi struggled, weakly, for a bit, not really wanting to but forcing himself to just comply with his reputation, before he went limp beneath Eren and snaked an arm around the boy's head, resting his palm on the back of his head.

"Pretentious, insufferable shithead," he murmured.

Eren smiled because it might just be the most affectionate thing he's heard from Levi.

* * *

Levi woke up the next morning to emptiness where warmth should've been. He looked at the space beside him a second longer than he should have before he turned over and dug deeper under the blankets, hoping to catch more sleep.

He wondered exactly what his wish entailed: did their sleeping together slash kind of cuddling thing count as 'get together'? Or would the perverted devil only take sex as get together?

Not that it was necessarily a bad thing, Levi mused.

Either way, he was pretty sure nothing he did would matter in this lifetime. He was bound to die anyway, unless he managed to escape from prison – something he never planned on doing - while somehow '_getting together_' with Eren.

That meant he had a year to live, at most.

* * *

That day, he received several visitors going by the name of Erwin Smith, Hange Zoë and Mike Zacharius.

Erwin was grinning from across the table – as emotionally unexpressive as Levi was, even he knew one wasn't supposed to fucking grin when their beloved friend, right-hand man, or whatever he was to Erwin, was sentenced to death.

Somehow, he had the feeling the blonde's source of glee had intimate relations with his plight in the underworld.

Mike was the first one to talk, after having thoroughly sniffed Levi, "Your scent – it's different."

"So are yours," Levi shot back, utterly serious.

Mike looked surprised, "You- you can tell?"

Then, Hanji's laughter echoed through the shabby visitor room and Levi realized how nostalgic it was – after not hearing the sound for a thousand years, it brought back a hell lot of memories – some unwanted, but memories nevertheless.

"He was kidding - kidding," she said, waving a hand in the air. "After a thousand years you've finally learnt the fine art of joking around, I see."

"Shut the fuck up, shitty glasses."

Hanji grinned, "Aw, I missed that name. Where've you been all this time?"

"Here and there," Levi said, shrugging. "You?"

"Working on some seriously cool experiments, of course!"

"Shut in your lab again."

"Basically," Erwin cut in, lips quirking up. "But enough of that. Care to tell us how you got yourself into this?"

So Levi did – he told the three of them about the stupid shits that framed him and honestly, why was he not surprised when Erwin looked at him like he already know what transpired but was simply searching for confirmation?

"I'll see what I can do," the blonde said before standing up, leading the other two to follow suit.

Levi stared at Erwin for a second – thought of the things he'd forced upon Erwin in the underworld and how he should probably apologize, but didn't felt like doing so currently.

"Thank you," he said at last as the three of them stood in the threshold of the doorway.

The smile Erwin sent him in reply told Levi the man understood he was also thanking him for helping out with Eren.

As long as it wasn't phrased as an apology, Levi's pride was accepting enough.

* * *

"Ma chérie!" the devil gushed as he popped into Levi's cell.

"Dumbass, that's used for females."

"Exactly," the devil smiled - a sweet, sweet thing.

"Any last words before I kill you six times over?"

"You do know I can simply teleport myself out of here right?" the sweetness in his voice was sickening.

"Oh? I don't seem to recall that ability being of any help when you were knocked out and sinking into the ocean."

"Oh god, Levi!" He chanted, "Stop, stop, stop, stop. _Stop_. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass that was, having to teleport myself every five meters because the water was too dense for me to go any further."

"Do you know how much of a pain in the ass you are?" Levi asked, coolly.

"But, but honey pie, I've always been nice to you, haven't I?"

Levi didn't receive a chance to reply before the devil said interjected, "Ah, sorry, wrong word choice. I believe the correct term was _nutella sandwich_?"

"You absolute _dick_."

"Well, you're a dickhead so we're even."

Levi's eye twitched. Visibly.

"Are you trying to out-swear me?"

"Maybe."

"Me."

"Yes, you."

"I could almost pity you."

The devil outright cackled, "My dear, you have no idea what I'm capable of."

* * *

The devil won.

(_'Crap isn't a cuss word,' Levi said in frustration for the umpteenth time._

_'Is! We call it the c-word back home!'_

_'The c-word, "my dear", would be cun-"_

_"Levi! Do you talk to your mother with that same, vile mouth?"_

And

_'Fine, I forfeit,' the devil declared._

_'You forfeit.'_

_'Yes. Obviously, my swearing prowess is mightier than yours.'_

_'Why don't you do us both a favor and fuck off?'_

_He harrumphed and promptly teleported himself to wherever he spent his worthless time in._)

_Clearly_, the devil won.

* * *

Levi sat on the edge of his bed, his fingers picking on the loose threads hanging from the seams of his ragged shirt. He supposed it could be worse – it could've been _dirty_ – but the living conditions in this prison didn't exactly call for a celebration.

The walls were overrun with mold, the ground was blossoming with moss, the sink in his room was yellowed and the water didn't even run through the tap anymore. The only light source he had was the measly bulb hanging in the corridor outside.

Well, at least it was relatively quiet.

He was waiting for the guards – hopefully Eren – to unlock his cell, so he could grab breakfast and enjoy another day sunbathing. Or maybe not, judging by the dark clouds he saw through the small square of barred glass in the top-right corner of his room.

Whatever, he had the boy to tease anyway.

* * *

Eren accosted him immediately after he exited the mess hall.

"Levi Heichou!" the guard called out in hushed tones.

"What?"

"How was breakfast?"

"What do you want, brat?"

Eren blushed, hating himself for being so readable.

"I gave some thought to what you said the other day."

"The fuck did I say which other day?"

"That- when- when you first arrived, and you asked me to step inside your room and do, you know, _things_."

Thank fucking god Levi didn't do _things_ with the stammering mess in front of him – how the hell was he still such a boy at heart after living through three lifetimes?

"Oh. That. What about it?"

"Well, that is," he was hesitant at first but Levi saw the exact moment his resolve hardened, "Heichou!" he declared at the top of his lungs.

"Keep it down, brat, you don't want to attract attention."

The blush was back, covering a bigger area than before.

"Heichou," he repeated, in a smaller voice. "Did you know that half of all prison rape is committed by guards?"

Levi blinked at Eren for a full ten seconds before he blurted out a, "What?"

"What I'm saying is, Heichou, to lower down the percentage, we could have the prisoner rape the guard instead!"

It had to be at least another ten seconds before Levi responded, "Stupid, absolute, _shit_head. Is my death sentence too light for you that you want to add rape to my list of crimes as well?"

Seriously, Levi gave up.

He wasn't even tired anymore. He was just- fucking done.

* * *

Apparently, Erwin thought that was funny when he told the blonde about it during his next visit (at least until Levi started loudly cracking his knuckles, which drew a polite cough from Erwin and blessed silence).

Levi was glad the unspoken trust between them was still present – he was still comfortable with telling Erwin whatever shit was on his mind and Erwin would still reply in earnest, without sugarcoating anything.

"Really funny," Levi grumbled. "So, what are you here for, old man? You got nothing better to do with your time?"

Erwin seemed to sober up with the question. A grief look settled upon his countenance.

"I pulled some strings and tried to get you out of here, or at least relieve your sentence, but nothing worked. You must have angered some pretty powerful people."

Levi could tell he was curious, but Erwin won't pry – not if Levi was unwilling to share – and for that he was grateful.

"You could call them that, though I would prefer just going with _pigs_."

"Yes, that works fine. _Shitheads_ is pretty good too."

"Fuckers."

"Assholes."

"Pussies."

"Dicks."

It went on for as long as possible, until Erwin was unable to keep up.

Before he left, he turned back to look at Levi, sitting on the stiff, wooden chair, the tension in his shoulders absent for once, the look on his face relaxed and calm, and Erwin couldn't help but chuckle bitterly at the irony of seeing Levi being most at peace with himself at the brink of death.

* * *

Levi was enjoying the sun when Eren appeared by his side.

"What is it?" Levi asked. He could tell, with one look, that Eren was troubled.

The boy shook his head, "No- nothing."

"Bullshit."

Eren relented then, "It's just," he ran a hand through his hair, as if words were hidden in that nest of brown locks and he would find answers by messing it up, "I want to sleep with you."

Levi arched both eyebrows.

"No, no, I don't mean it like that!" Eren quickly clarified. "I mean sleep. Like we did last time," he glanced at Levi to see if the older man remembered.

The flicker behind his eyes told Eren he did.

"And why would you want that?"

"I don't know! Because I want to?"

Levi sighed.

"You petulant-"

"Little brat. Yeah, yeah, I know."

A pause.

"It's a yes, then?" Eren asked hopefully.

"Do whatever the fuck you want."

Eren grinned before trotting away with a mild bounce to his steps.

Levi watched the boy fade out of view. He wanted to add a letter to that phrase – you petulant little brat – and he wanted Eren to say it to him.

An 'r'. At the end of the first word. Go figure.

* * *

Most of Levi's days were like that – a repeating cycle starting from a visit from someone outside, then the devil, and finally Eren.

Today, however, he finally had some free time to himself, after his (dirty, dirty, _dirty, absolutely filthy_) work in the kitchens, and he was insistent on enjoying it to the fullest extent by firstly discovering where Eren is.

Except, the devil just had to come and ruin everything for him. In a really, creepy way too.

He just came out of the toilet, for fuck's sake.

"Hey kid!"

Levi thought briefly about when and why all the extravagant and dramatic 'my dears' had been switched to a simple 'hey kid', but he didn't spare it much thought, "Don't you _kid_ me. I'm thirty five."

The devil rolled his eyes, "I've been here for forever while you've only been here for, what, a thousand years?"

"Still, I am not a goddamn kid," Levi seethed.

"Okay, okay, whatever pleases you, m'dear."

So he hadn't given up his old ways. But still, there was something unnerving about the devil today – he had an air of hostility that wasn't there before.

And for once, he wasn't chatting at the speed of jealousy.

Levi had cause for worry.

"Say, kid-"

"Don't _kid_ me."

"-why didn't you ask for a happily ever after with the boy instead of asking me to reincarnate you guys over and over again?"

Levi thought carefully about his response.

"I don't know," he admitted at last. "It never occurred to me- I mean," he took a breath before speaking again, "What's the point of having a happily ever after without an equally happy journey?"

"That's awfully sappy of you."

"Shut the fuck up. It just means nothing if he didn't want it as much as I did – if we're only together because I lucked out and stumbled upon three wishes."

The devil hummed pensively.

"What the fuck is up with you, anyway?"

"Nothing."

"Trouble in paradise?"

The cheerfulness was back before Levi even got the chance to dig deeper. Not like he was interested, anyway.

"Nope," he made a popping sound as he grinned lopsidedly, "Just the usual."

"And what's that?" Still not interested.

"Trouble in hell."

* * *

Hours after Levi fell asleep, he was woken up by the sound of metals clanging against each other.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked the person, most probably Eren, messing with his lock.

"We promised to sleep together, didn't we?"

Levi could practically hear the accusation in his voice – _'You forgot about it, didn't you?'_

He grumbled and pulled the blanket over his head.

His voice came out muffled a second later, "Get the fuck in here before the whole compound wakes up from your indelicate lock-picking."

Eren was a little puppy – tail wagging and tongue lolling out and panting and yearning for praise when he climbed in bed.

What he was expecting praise for, Levi had no clue. On which Earth was unlocking a lock with its fucking key cause for compliment?

* * *

"Levi," an excited voice exclaimed as he entered the visitor room.

"Four-eyes."

"Heichou!"

Levi straightened slightly, out of shock, when he heard that voice. He had expected Hanji – perhaps even Erwin and Mike – to visit him today, but not _that_ person.

He looked towards the corner of the room, where the voice came from.

A short-statured woman, even shorter than he was, with soft, ginger hair she had decided to grow long this lifetime and honey-colored eyes as sweet as actual honey, stared back at him.

"Petra," the words left him, along with everything else inside. All of a sudden, he felt hollow, like he was made of glass.

"Heichou," she said, gentler this time, not so much a cry but more a tearful mumble.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing he said, after ascertaining the woman before him was truly Petra.

She shook her head, "No, no. What do you have to be sorry for, Corporal?"

_For letting you die_, Levi wanted to say. _For failing you, and everyone else._

Hanji watched their reunion play out with a satisfied smirk on her lips.

As they were about to leave, Petra asked if it was okay to bring the other members of Squad Levi next time.

"They'd like to meet you too, Sir."

Levi nodded – _affirmative_.

"And Petra? Stop calling me 'Sir'."

* * *

Eren was on guard duty tonight, so he couldn't snuggle with Levi and consequentially steal the whole of the blanket for himself. Levi didn't know whether he should be pissed at Eren for being absent.

"Now _this_ is trouble in paradise," the devil said, as he appeared out of nowhere. It was the status quo now, so Levi couldn't say he was terribly surprised. It seemed the novelty of having an acquaintance popping in and out at any given time had worn off.

"Please, continue welcoming yourself into my humble abode as I try to sleep."

"Oooooh, using complex vocabulary. I dig that."

And then he actually fucking winked at Levi.

It seemed like it had been too long since the ocean incident.

Then, the man slithered down from where he had been levitating mid-air so that he was able to see eye-to-eye with Levi. Literally, that is. Neither one of them was naïve enough to believe there would come a time when they could figuratively see eye-to-eye with each other.

"There's a room on the third floor, by the toilets, that I believe would be highly suitable of your needs."

Perhaps a repeat of the ocean incident could wait.

"And why would you be telling me this?"

"Goodwill," the devil reassured him. "For helping me out last time."

Levi narrowed his eyes, "Don't fucking lie."

"Am not!"

"Oh – you get off on watching, then. That's why you want to provide us a place, isn't it?"

"N-no! Absolutely not! I don't- I would _never_."

Levi had reasons to be suspicious.

"What sins did you commit to be cursed into eternal life as a devil?"

There was a pause before a grin replaced the devil's flustered expression, "Worse things than framed murder, obviously."

* * *

"Brat," Levi hissed in his ears as dawn cracked the sky open.

Eren mumbled something unintelligible in his sleep before rolling back around – curling into Levi and shoving his knee upwards, straight into Levi's… crotch.

He was on the floor before he even registered what he did. Levi was sure the loud thud Eren's landing caused would alert the patrol, but it was the stupid shit's own fault for kneeing him. He couldn't possibly be blamed for instinctively switching to the defensive (which was really more like the offensive in normal people language).

"Shit!" Eren groaned as he hit the ground. "What the fuck, Levi?"

And then he seemed to realize he was talking to _Levi_ and he quickly shut himself up before his mouth caused any more damage. "Sorry. I mean, you should be sorry, but- what the hell did I do anyway?"

"You don't want to force me to relive the memory."

"I trust you."

Levi wanted to hear those words under different circumstances, but he supposed he would have to compromise.

* * *

Levi had learnt a lot about the brat by sleeping with him.

One, the brat did not snore, thank the fucking lords, thank you fucking devils, thank you anybody and everybody. Because Erwin did – a fact he was unfortunate enough to discover – and even if it was soft snoring, there hadn't been one night in which Levi was forced to sleep through the snores that he hadn't felt like slicing Erwin's throat wide open.

Two, the brat stole blankets like there was no tomorrow.

Three, the brat was surprisingly log-like in bed, aside from his blanket-stealing habits. He would basically slump down, face-first on the bed, fall asleep, steal the blanket, and wake up an hour before six, when Levi shoved his ass onto the floor. It was the same every night. Except for the last part. Maybe. Maybe not even the last part was exempt.

Four, the brat had the most adorable face when he's asleep.

Five, the brat had only one face left that Levi desperately wanted to see.

Wait. What?

That last point was definitely _not _his words. He wouldn't- the _fucking_ _devil_ must be messing with his mind.

_Fucking fuckity fucker._

* * *

He had about a month left when Squad Levi visited him.

"Heichou!" the group cheered shamelessly as he walked in.

Eren happened to be the one guarding the room, which worked perfectly because now they were finally able to have a proper Special Ops Squad reunion after a thousand long years.

"Brats," he greeted in return.

They laughed.

"Heichou will always be Heichou no matter which lifetime he's in."

"Damn right!"

They traded stories that day, of their various adventures during various time periods in various lands. Most of them had been separated, or paired up in their lives following the Scouting Legion.

It seemed like Eren and Levi had been the lucky ones.

After a while, Eren was replaced by another guard because he was called by his superior. Petra and the boys took that opening as a chance to lean in and whisper, "So, Corporal and Eren are finally together, then?"

"What did you say?"

"Together," Auruo made gestures with his fingers that looked vaguely like intertwining people and kissing lips, "Together?"

Levi slouched in his seat.

There was an uproar in the room.

"What!"

"Not even now?"

"It's been a _thousand _years, Corporal. When are you going to make your move?"

"How long are you going to wait, Heichou!"

He walked out of the room shortly afterwards, without preamble, flipping them off as a way of goodbye as they continued their commotion inside.

* * *

Eren was escorting Levi – the official reason being that the higher-ups wanted to see him and the actual reason being that Levi had wanted to spend time with Eren in the little room the devil had recommended him to stay in.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

They rounded the corner and, after checking there was nobody else around, pushed the door open and snuck inside.

Good thing Eren had brought a torch with him, because this place was fucking dark.

"What is this place?"

Levi shrugged, "A room."

"So, what are we doing in this room?"

Levi was suddenly all over his personal space – his breath caressing Eren's ear when he whispered his next words, "I don't know – what do you want to do?"

Eren looked like he was about to say something stupid and unwanted – probably something to do with prison rape – so Levi shot him a look, effectively shutting him up.

His glares were foolproof solutions against mindless chatter.

Then: "I want to kiss you, Levi."

He would live a thousand lives for the sound of his name coming from Eren, quiet, breathy and wispy, like something precious that needed protection. Like something that was all his.

Eren stared at Levi, his eyes fluttering close instinctively as the older man leaned in.

Lips touched timidly, leaving much to be desired, unlike the times with Armin and Erwin. (Okay, Levi thought, he should probably not be thinking of Armin and Erwin right now.) And then Levi was cupping Eren's cheek with one hand, the other placed at the back of his head, pushing him forward, deepening the kiss.

They had their first kiss after a thousand goddamn years. If this wasn't true love, Levi didn't know what was.

* * *

He requested Eren to cook him his last meal - a request which the boy thankfully complied.

The night before, they rolled around in bed, restless. Levi told Eren how ridiculous it was for him to worry – it wasn't as if they won't meet again.

He couldn't stand the sadness in the green eyes when Eren finally met his stare.

Now, the boy stood before him, holding a plate of rice, potatoes and beef and a bowl of stew.

They sat together in companionable silence as Levi ate.

He wondered why the food tasted saltier than it should be.

* * *

The whole gang was there Levi was given the fatal injection. They watched as his face crumpled in pain before going slack. His squad saluted him as his body, draped in white, was carried outside of the medical room.

It had been a thousand years since any of them practiced the salute, but it had only felt right to do so.

* * *

**Author's Note**

* * *

First, I'd like to thank everyone for the faves/reviews/subscribes/feedback in general. It's greatly appreciated :)

Second, this sort of drifted into sad territory towards the end (and it's generally a less comedic chapter) because I thought it's time for them to take this seriously and uh, my muse - you can blame it on my muse!


	6. Eren-mo De Pon!

**The Devil Plays Matchmaker!**

* * *

The clinging and clanging of metals from Levi's pocket was starting to annoy him. For the first time in all his lives, he wished he was magical, so he could cast a spell to silence the stupid metals.

They were a bunch of bronze and silver and gold – medals for the honorary this and thats he did while serving in the military.

No, he did not choose the military life – the military life chose him. Again. Almost as if fate or some stupid asshole (_cough _the devil _cough_) had meant for him to become Humanity's Savior for all his lives.

It started like this: approximately five years ago, there was a war between the Humans and the Magicals – that is, people capable of performing magic. Of course, given Levi's extremely good luck, he should have been part of the 75% _not_ drafted into the military, right?

If good luck meant not ending up with your one true love after a thousand fucking years then, yes, right.

That shitty war had finally ended a few months back, with a treaty signed by both parties, and for that Levi was thankful. He was, however, a little less thankful about having to attend a five hour long ceremony under the sun, standing at attention for almost the whole goddamn time just to receive a few puny metals – most of which he had already received in another lifetime.

These weren't even real gold; unlike the ones he received from the Titan War. Cheap-ass military bastards, he cursed, forgetting in the heat of the moment that he too, was a cheap-ass military bastard.

Well, not super freaking cheap – he would still pay for dinner if he was out on a date with someone (which was sufficient explanation on why he had never brought anyone to dinner on a date).

Not lunch though. What the fuck did his date think he was, an ATM machine?

Of course, he would reconsider this statement if said date was Eren. But Eren, and only Eren, was the only exception.

Suddenly, thunder sounded off in the distance and Levi started hurrying along the pavement, pausing only to squash a pebble in his path and channel all his wrath onto the poor thing because he fucking could.

Cut him some slack - everyone dealt with mid-life crises differently, sheesh.

Because he was too occupied with internalizing his thoughts, he failed to notice the strange noises being emitted from his pockets until it was too late.

The freaking medals were chanting, "MID-LIFE CRISIS, MID-LIFE CRISIS, MID-LIFE CRISIS," when he realized they were charms that parrot their owner's thoughts and yanked them out of his pants to strangle them, in an effort to quiet them down.

It proved to be useless. Instead of forcing them to shut up, his aggressiveness caused them to ramp up the volume and scream, in a shrilly, high-pitched voice, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP."

And then, it started raining and Levi swore he had never felt more fucked than this in all his lifetimes.

"FUCKED. FUCKED. FUCKED. FUCKED."

* * *

The nearest, viable form of shelter came in the form of a magical school – which was why Levi found himself roaming around a fancy garden packed with talking grasses that yelled when they were stepped on and students who were trying to conjure umbrellas but ended up summoning a herd of mountain goats (quite a fearsome species, especially with their ugly beards, if Levi might say).

"UGLY BEARDS ARE UGLY. UGLY BEARDS ARE UGLY."

He was looking for some sort of pavilion to hide himself under, and hopefully, someone who would swish a wand and shut the medals up because god help them all if they didn't stop with their chanting soon – they were like a minion of mini-devils singing their satanic song to their hearts content in the warmth and safety of his pants while _he_ had to sacrifice himself and brave the rain for them.

"I AM BRAVE. I BRAVE THE RAIN. I AM BRAVE."

He had spotted his god-sent pavilion (praise, praise, praise the lord) and was so close to finally getting himself underneath in when a devil-sent voice found its way to him and instantly turned everything else into background noise.

"Levi?"

The older man sucked in a breath and turned, slowly, to mentally prepare himself for the sight that he knew would greet him – wet hair, wet clothes, possibly see-through if he was in one of those white uniforms, wet pants that would cling onto the boy's every curve, startling emerald eyes bursting with everything Levi needed but didn't have in his life.

He could never be mentally prepared enough for their first meeting.

"You again, brat."

"DOKI DOKI DOKI DOKI DOKI DOKI DOKI."

* * *

After successfully dodging Eren's questions about the lovely, absolutely-needed sound effects the medals provided, they decided to (finally) seek the shelter of the pavilion and wait out the rain in each other's company.

Thankfully, Eren was a capable enough magician to provide them with blessed silence from the Wretched Noises of the Medals, even if it was only temporary.

"So, you're a veteran, huh?"

"Yes, and you're a sparkling unicorn."

"Am _not_!" Eren cried out, as if he had any right to be disgraced by what was obviously the truth.

At least, in Levi's mind it was. To him, anything magical was immediately related to the pure and innocent mythical being that were sparkling unicorns flying atop rainbows. It was in no way a derogatory term. At least, that was what he told his conscience to rid himself of potential guilt.

And honestly, Levi couldn't be fully blamed for calling Eren a sparkling unicorn because he was a magical being and unicorns were magical and when Levi took out the medals he received for Eren to cast the spell on just now, the boy's eyes fucking glimmered and sparkled and he had asked, almost reverently, "Can I touch them?"

(To which the medals replied: "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME." and Levi hoped Eren would never, ever, find out why the medals said the things they said).

"Really?" Levi asked, the cynicism clear in his voice as he gestured at Eren's wand and magical school uniform – which _were_ partially see through, Levi noted with glee.

"_Really_, and if you don't stop mocking me I'll take the silencing spell off your medals!" the boy threatened.

"Was that a threat?"

"Maybe."

"I'll give you one more chance, Jaeger. Was that a threat?"

"…No, Sir."

The rain had lightened to a slight drizzle by then, and almost as if the boy could tell Levi was preparing to leave (Levi supposed even the densest person would learn tells after knowing someone for a _thousand_ years), he suddenly choked out a, "Do you want to get coffee some time? Sir?"

He knew he should've stopped the boy's irritating habit of calling him 'Sir' from a thousand years back, but Levi couldn't deny the thrill he felt at being referred to as a _Sir_.

Maybe that's why the military life clung to him like a baby.

"When?"

"In a few days?"

"Sure, I'm free anytime," Levi said before cursing himself for how pathetic that sounded.

Eren didn't seem to mind though – he visibly brightened up before saying, "Okay! I'll pick Heichou up in a few days."

Two things surfaced to the top of Levi's mind: one, he felt like he was the woman in the relationship for getting picked up and he did not like that feeling. Two, he didn't need to spare a single fuck as to whether or not the rain stopped and made way for the sun with Eren smiling at him like that, like _he_ was the brat's sun.

* * *

A few days later came by and Eren was lucky Levi was trained to be a morning person from having lived two militaristic lives because if he wasn't, the boy would not be alive after ringing the doorbell at this godforsaken hour.

He climbed out of his bed – he was already awake, anyway – to the beautiful, croaking voice in the next room.

"IS IT EREN? IS IT EREN? IS IT EREN? I HOPE IT'S EREN. EREN! EREN! EREN! _EEERREEENNN_."

The medals now hung in his living room as the only decoration to an otherwise sparse area producing heavy (and by heavy he meant _heavy_) noise pollution every time Levi passed by or lounged in the room.

Levi narrowed his eyes at the line of round tokens as he stood before them and experimentally lifted his wrist and flicked it, hoping for some impromptu hidden talent in magic.

Not happening.

He sighed before trudging towards the door and opening it before the brat could even think of adding to the noise pollution with another ring. "What do you want?"

Eren, for some reasons, felt immensely pleased with Levi's mild improvement, in terms of decreasing his usage of swear words. He had expected a 'what the fuck do you want', but Levi had proven himself as the better man when he omitted _fuck_.

"Why are you grinning like an idiot, brat?"

"Nothing," Eren quipped.

Levi scoffed, and when he made no motion to step aside, Eren huffed, like the forever petulant little brat he is, and said, "Isn't Heichou going to invite me in?"

Levi was very sweetly tempted to slam the door back in Eren's face as a reply, but this _was_ the boy he had been chasing for over a thousand years, so that wouldn't do.

"Get your ass inside," he said instead.

* * *

"The medals look nice against your creamy walls," Eren offered politely.

"CREAMY WALLS. CREAMY WALLS. WHAT CREAM. CREAM CREAM OR CREAM _CREAM?_"

Eren raised an eyebrow, to which Levi said, "Ignore them," and as a way of trying to change the subject, "So, how did you find me?"

The boy beamed, proud of his own genius (well, Levi reasoned, he had never been too bright so being bright once in a while _might_ be worth a little celebration).

"I used a tracking spell. I can track anybody as long as I know them well enough!" he boasted.

"HE KNOWS ME WEL-."

Somehow, even lifeless objects withered under Levi's glare.

"That's a shitty spell," Levi mused. "I bet it was created by some middle-aged housewife who suspected her husband was cheating on her," Levi said, casually, not knowing just how deeply his words would impact Eren.

At least, not until he looked up and saw the boy's eyes alight with a keenness Levi hadn't witnessed since his I-want-to-annihilate-titans phase.

"Levi," he started, and the older man groaned because he knew that tone – knew it all too well from his Corporal days, when Erwin would use it against him when he was about to launch into a longass discussion on why Levi shouldn't do something.

"Shut up."

"Levi, you don't understand. Our Founding Fathers and Mothers are mighty and noble beings who-"

"Your _what_?"

"Founding- never mind. The first wizards and witches."

"Oh."

"Yes, _oh_. Anyway, as I was saying, they are mighty and noble beings who-"

"SHUT UP AND KISS ME. SHUT UP AND PUT THAT MOUTH TO GOOD USE. SHUT UP AND KISS ME. LOTS OF WAYS TO PUT THAT MOUTH TO USE. SHUT UP AND KISS ME."

Levi had the nerve to glance at Eren coolly, like those weren't his thoughts the medals were repeating, before saying, "Even they want you to shut up."

* * *

Their walk to the coffee shop had been relatively peaceful, with Eren remarking on mundane things and Levi keeping quiet for the whole journey. Levi wouldn't have minded if their whole day mapped out like that. Unfortunately, the boy didn't seem to agree with Levi's dreams and aspirations because the minute they sat down on the rather plushy chairs in the café, coffee in hand, Eren opened his mouth and allowed stupidity to pass.

"Heichou," not stupid, "I was thinking," getting there, "of that kiss in the storage room," ridiculously, fucking stupid.

"What about it?" Levi grunted.

Eren blushed.

_Oh_. Levi understood now. "Are you asking for a repeat?"

"N-No!"

"No?"

"I mean, yes! I mean, I don't know! Just- yes, yes, probably yes. Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes."

Levi started to lean in, but was halted by Eren's following cry: "No! Yes, but not now, not _here_."

"What's wrong with kissing here?"

"Just- no!"

* * *

They agreed to pay for their own lunches. However, Levi saw the pathetic state the boy's wallet was in and because he understood how tight a high-schooler's budget was, he took pity on the boy and decided to pay for both their lunches.

So you see, Levi wasn't _that _cheap.

* * *

They didn't stay out for too long – only for a few hours before they found themselves back on Levi's doorstep.

This time, however, Levi invited Eren in without him having to prompt the older man to.

"Come in. Don't make yourself at home. And if I find you dirtying any of my furniture, I promise I will spend my whole life and the lives after this life, hunting your sorry ass down."

"NOT LIKE I ALREADY HUNT YOU DOWN EVERY LIFETIME. EVERY LIFETIME. EVERY EVERY LIFETIME."

The boy didn't say anything, merely nodded, and plopped down on Levi's couch.

"So, about the kiss…"

Levi shrugged his jacket off before proceeding to join Eren.

"Impatient brat," he said.

Then, they were facing each other – bodies turned sideways, faces slowly closing the gap, eyes drifting close, lips slightly perked, and-

"I WANT TO FUCK YOU. I WANT TO PIN YOU AGAINST THE WALL. FUCK. PIN. FUCK. PIN. KISS ME HARD. FUCK ME HARDER. FUCK. PIN. KISS. FUCK. PIN."

Eren jolted, as if out of a trance, and instinctively jumped away from Levi.

"What was that?" he asked, a little out of breath (they haven't even kissed yet).

"My medals."

"Why were they saying those things?"

"I don't know – why were they?"

Then, as if someone flipped Eren's mental switch, he realized, with a widening of his eyes and the straightening of his back, what charm was placed on those medals. The cutest part of his transformation, however, was the blush slowly (actually very quickly) infiltrating his face. At least, for Levi.

"Oh," he said meekly, voice quivering.

Levi hummed, glad the boy wasn't as dim-witted as he first thought.

"I feel like such a failure as a wizard-in-training."

"You are."

Eren ignored Levi's words as he continued to rant, "I mean, for the longest time ever, all I've wanted was to be able to earn my Pixie Form but if I can't even figure out such simple spells, how am I supposed to get around understanding the Pixie Theorem?"

Levi had no fucking idea what the boy was babbling about, except there was a word that caught his attention and he felt a strong urge to confirm whether or not he misheard.

"Your Pixie Form?"

"Yes. It's basically every magician's end-goal to be able to transform yourself into a pixie because that's when your magical powers are the strongest."

"A pixie?"

"Uh-huh."

"A pixie – that sparkly fairy thing that's about as tall as one of my fingers?"

"More or less, yes."

Levi placed a hand on Eren's shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.

"Brat, we need to have a serious discussion about appreciating the height you were born with."

"What? No-"

"_Yes, we do._ And _you_ need to start seriously reconsidering whether or not you should aim higher in life, both literally and figuratively. This is a serious matter. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life as a person as tall as my finger?"

"Levi-"

"Imagine how small your dick would be."

"_Levi_," Eren said, frustrated at Levi's interruptions, "Pixie Form is temporary."

For a second, Levi forgot what the word _temporary_ meant.

"I mean, I would love to stay in Pixie Form if I could, but sadly, that is impossible. I would die if I attempted that."

"Shithead, don't you think you should've told me about that first?"

"I tried to, but you kept on cutting me off!"

"May you die of constipation."

"Heichou, that's really cruel!"

"Bless temporary pixies. Bless them."

"No! Don't bless them!"

"_Bless them, Eren. Bless. Them._"

* * *

Eren dropped by again the next day, at six am on the dot.

The medals were unusually quiet when Levi walked by them – it probably had something to do with the extra-sinister glare he threw their way yesterday (or maybe it was just Eren's silencing spell from yesterday, you never know).

"You again?" Levi said as he opened his front door.

The boy was grinning ear-to-ear, as was his usual countenance nowadays. "Yeah, it's me again! Can I come in?"

All pretense of demurity had been abandoned.

Levi sighed as he opened the door wider to allow the boy entrance before treading to the kitchen to pour the both of them a cup of coffee. He needn't even ask the boy if he would like a cup of coffee – needn't have to offer it as well because the first thing Eren did after taking off his shoes was head to the kitchen and snatch the mug out of Levi's hand before making himself comfortable on Levi's couch.

"Thank you," he sang out.

There were a few moments of amiable silence as they gulped down the bitter liquid. However, silence ceased to exist the moment Eren finished his drink and leaped up from his spot, "Don't you want to know why I'm here today, Heichou?"

"No."

"I'm here to tell you that we need to go do something today!"

"What?"

"We need to go to a proper amusement park!" he shouted.

"Why?"

"Because we promised to in the underworld!"

"Does this look like the underworld to you, brat?"

He dropped to his knees and linked his fingers together.

"Please," he whined. "Please, please, please, please, please!"

Of course, the spell on the medals just had to choose that exact moment to wear off and scream, "FUCKING PUPPY FACES. FUCKING PUPPY FACES. FUCKING PUPPY FACES."

Eren's lips twitched when he heard the chant, effectively ruining his puppy face. Well, it wasn't like he needed it anymore – the medals' shouts were answer enough.

* * *

They spent the whole day riding roller coasters – in-doors, out-doors, themed, non-themed, hardcore, softcore, and then re-riding all of them again.

If there was one thing Levi had gleaned from today, it was that Eren was a total adrenaline junkie – the boy practically lived off the thrill of having his ass lifted above ground and held upside-down.

Levi wouldn't have minded that in another situation, starting with a 'b'(ondag) and ending with an 'e', but this was a completely different matter.

"Heichou!" Eren cried, his eyes aflame with fervent desire.

Levi grunted questioningly.

"I want ice-cream!"

Sparkling unicorn mode: on.

Not in the magical sense – just in the literal sense. Okay, maybe Eren looked a little less like a unicorn and more like a adorable kitten in the literal sense, but sparkling adorable kitten just didn't lend the same ring as sparkling unicorn did.

"Then go get yourself some ice-cream."

"But I don't have any money," he pouted.

* * *

If the triple-scoop in Eren's hands was anything to go by, everyone who had ever uttered 'Levi' and 'cheapass bastard' in the same sentence should take their words back and damn themselves to hell.

They sat on a bench located just outside the amusement park, where Eren was currently indulging himself in the guiltiest of pleasures.

Somehow, he found a way to make the guiltiest of pleasures even guiltier when he turned to face Levi, spoon of ice-cream in hand, a ring of chocolate around his lips, and said, "Here – open your mouth and say, 'Ah~'."

Levi's eyes widened in shock before narrowing, extremely, in annoyance. His hand moved up to knock the red, plastic spoon out of Eren's hand, but also to take it into his own so he could feed himself – a feat he was sure he had perfected after four lifetimes, thank you.

His excuse for what he was about to do next was simple: he was so confused at the array of emotions brewing within him that he decided to just go with what Eren said.

Levi's mouth enveloped the spoon.

Eren squealed, pinching his face and tightening his grip on the spoon in the process, causing its tip to hit the roof of Levi's mouth, earning the boy a creatively-worded swear.

Levi itched to bitch-slap Eren. However, figuring that bitch-slapping may be a bit too harsh, he decided to resort to another kind of torture.

He began to roll his tongue around the spoon as he slowly, teasingly, pulled back, his lips puckering and providing enhanced-suction, before sliding them back over the broadest part of the spoon.

To put it simply, he was mouth-fucking the red, plastic spoon.

On that fateful day, Eren Jaeger vowed to never tease Levi in public again. The resultant raging hard-on that stayed raging for the rest of the freaking day just wasn't worth it.

* * *

Their frequent meetings went on for a few more months, all the way until Eren's high school graduation.

Levi had always thought high school graduations were boring – they were nothing more than mandatory events a student was forced to attend.

After accompanying Eren to his graduation, however - as the brat's date because apparently bringing dates to your high school ceremonies was how the world worked now - Levi discovered he couldn't have been more mistaken.

* * *

The first thirty minutes was pretty normal. Levi sat with the other guests and watched as the graduates filled in, one by one, and took their respective seats.

The next thirty minutes were bordering on bizarre, with Arlert giving a well-organized Valedictorian speech, followed by their (Levi was sure) male principal stripping down to his female undergarments.

What that was supposed to signify, Levi had no idea.

After the hour was up, they were asked to pair off so the dancing could commence – and that was when all hell broke loose.

Magicals with no sense of rhythm whatsoever were twirling in the fucking air like a couple of dead moose swaying their antlers back and forth and the orchestra was pitchy and the singers sounded like a rip-off of Levi's medals and as if to seal the deal with a pretty, diamond ring, Eren asked him to dance.

Levi tried to refuse – really, he tried.

But then the boy was pulling him in and wrapping his arms around Levi's waist and urging Levi to do the same, nudging the older man's arms to close in around Eren's neck and fuck not dancing, fuck everything else – Levi wouldn't be human if he could say no to such temptations when it was so clearly laid out before him.

Eren casted a spell on them, so that they were able to float on air, and Levi was glad this felt at least a bit familiar, like when he was on the 3DMG, except without all the fussy straps. Surprisingly – and it was a good surprise - the boy turned out to be rather good at dancing - his hips swayed wildly to the beat of their school anthem and Levi's hands couldn't help but wander consistently downwards at the increasingly accelerating rate of 23 millimeters per second.

For the slightest period of time, Levi was starting to get into the moment until he remembered he was fucking waltzing – or whatever this dance with the stupid footwork but the incredibly enticing hip-rocking was called - in the midst of some brats' high school graduation in mid-air, surrounded by heaps upon heaps of glitter and sparkles and probably rainbow-colored paths lighting the sky (Levi swore he would see them if he looked down now), and he sobered up.

That was, until he saw a pair of blonde-heads floating next to him (an extremely familiar sight that was one of the most annoying sights he had ever seen, if he might add) and he decided he would need to lose quite a lot of that sobriety if he was to survive this party.

* * *

"Levi," blonde friend number one greeted.

"Eren!" said blonde friend number two.

"Dumbfuck."

"Hey, dude!"

Levi and Eren said respectively.

The blondes responded similarly, with a smile, to the varying replies. It worried Levi just how alike they were. Erwin was scary when he needed to be, and the world really didn't need a second Erwin.

Armin should just stay as the neat, polite and well-organized Valedictorian he was.

"So how are you enjoying the medals, Levi?" Erwin threw the question out lightheartedly, in an attempt to act casually.

It wasn't working.

"Medals?" Levi asked.

"Medals," Erwin replied.

"You were the one who gave me those fucked up medals?"

"Indeed. Though, I must say I thought they were lovely."

"Do you have any fucking idea what stupid shit the medals have put me through?"

"No," Erwin answered, the fucking, creepyass smile still plastered onto his face, "Nor do I have any interest in knowing."

"Why would you give your loyal Corporal – for two fucking lifetimes now, shitstain - those fucked up medals?"

"Well, you've always been very reticent, so I thought you'd need all the help you could get in terms of self-expression. We do live in a very liberated society, you know. You should take advantage of that."

"Anyway!" Eren interjected before the tension successfully killed all of them off, "What brings you here, Commander?"

"Didn't Armin tell you, Eren?"

Levi wondered when the old fart had gotten on first-name basis with Arlert when he saw the hand around the second blonde's shoulder and cold, horrific, realization dawned upon him.

He should probably say something to warn his thousand-years-on-pending boyfriend from breaching the subject anymore than he already had if the brat wanted to leave graduation mentally unscarred.

"Tell me what?"

"Eren, you really don't want to know," Levi said, helpfully.

"I'm here as Armin's date today," Erwin said, visibly squeezing Armin, who was weirdly unfazed by the display of brute strength, closer to himself.

Levi wondered if the look on Eren's face was worth allowing his thousand-years-on-pending boyfriend a mental scar.

"The both of you are-," the poor soul couldn't even seem to find the words. "You guys are together? As in, together _together_, like-"

"Like, having sex together?" Erwin offered.

"Yes, like- hold up, _like what together_?"

The blondes smiled with the exact same amount of warmth (zero) and the exact same length and width and in total synchronization and Levi knew nothing would ever be worth enough to suffer through what he had now coined The Double Blonde Torture.

He placed a soothing hand on the small of Eren's back and was about to lead him away from all the twisted insanity and deranged smiles when Erwin stopped him and whispered, "You aren't the only one allowed to enjoy the shotacon life, you know."

And Levi exploded.

* * *

It took Eren and another male – with flowing, black locks, glasses that meant business, a tailcoat and a ribbon on his chest that proved he was a teacher – to quell Levi's outburst and prevent Erwin's face from being kitten-scratched.

Because that was exactly how Levi looked like now – an untamed cat, hissing and growling and yearning to sink its claws into someone's, in this case, Erwin's, pretty face.

Fortunately, by then, Armin had already ushered Erwin away.

Eren turned to mutter a _thank you_ at the teacher when Levi had calmed down substantially. That was also when he discovered he had never seen this teacher around before – which was funny because he had been enrolled in this school for forever.

"Are you new here, Sir?" Eren asked, out of curiosity.

"Ah, yes! That's right, dear boy. I'm a new teacher. I didn't just slip through security and steal someone else's teacher badge, even if it may look that way."

"Right."

"My hair is naturally black, by the way. Just thought you should know that to prevent any prejudice."

"I- yes, right."

Then, Levi's head snapped towards the newcomer and the growl he unleashed was more lethal than anything Eren had ever heard and if growls could kill, everyone within a one kilometer radius would be dead before Levi had even finished growling.

"What the fuck-"

"I'm Eren's new teacher, nice to meet you!"

_It was the fucking devil_.

"He's not my new teacher, you see-" Eren started to explain before he was cut off by the devil. "I am, I am. He's just never seen me around before because I'm insanely good at invisibility."

Eren's ears perked up at that, "Really?"

"Yes, darling, I'm not lying. Oh, did you see how that rhymed? It seems like I have a knack for poetry as well as magic!"

"Can you teach me how to become invisible, please?"

"Why, of course!"

"You will _not_ dabble in black magic, Eren," Levi seethed from behind and any notion Eren had of apprenticing to the devil was extinguished, like blown-out candles.

"It isn't black magic!" Eren tried.

"Trust me," Levi said, "it is."

The devil laughed, "Wonder how you knew that. You don't seem to be magical."

"I don't need to be magical to throw people into the ocean."

The devil cringed at that, and at Eren's inquisitive look, he said, "I hate water. Especially _large _and _deep_ bodies of water."

"I happen to love the ocean," Levi said.

"Fine!" the devil declared suddenly. "If this is how it's going to be, then let's all talk about the things we love. I, for one, _love_ bananas. I just can't get enough of them. Do you love bananas, Eren?"

"I, uh-"

"I am convinced that bananas are the best fruits ever. Especially those long and wide-girthed ones. Those are the best."

"Well, second only to _my_ banana, of course. Because my banana is obviously the best-est amongst them all."

Eren had a feeling they weren't talking about bananas anymore.

Hell, were they even talking about bananas in the first place?

"So, what do you think of bananas, Eren?"

"They're okay, I guess?"

The devil scoffed, "If that's all you have to say then you've obviously never tasted a true banana before. How about you follow me and I'll show you an amazing banana experience?"

"How about you shove your banana in your ass and fuck off?" Levi interjected.

"Do you know each other?" Eren asked hesitantly.

"As well as I know you, honey pie," the devil cooed at Eren.

Which was kind of true.

"No, we don't. I will never associate myself with such a vile creature," Levi practically spat out.

"Now, now, don't be so heartless, Levi. How have I ever wronged you? We barely even know each other, right?"

"Wait. How did you know his name?" Eren spoke up.

"I happen to be a mind-reader too."

_Smooth_.

But that one lie in Levi's favor did not excuse everything else the beast did.

"Is graduation over yet, Eren?"

"Yeah, it should be."

"We're leaving."

"O-Okay. Bye, Sir-?"

"Sir Damien."

Somehow, Levi managed to register, as he was dragging Eren away, that he had only known the devil's name after a thousand years. If he had any semblance of a conscience left, he would have felt guilty for such ignorance. However, he did not - especially since it involved the devil.

* * *

**Author's Note**

* * *

Title adapted from "Mirumo De Pon!".

Because Modern AUs are too mainstream, obviously. And yay, finally, after 5 chapters, the devil has a name!

The ending may seem abrupt - fear not, that's because this chapter got too long so I divided it into 2 parts. I haven't finished writing part 2 yet, so the next upload will take place in a day or two, ahaha.

Thanks for reading! As always, feedback is adored :*


	7. The Cock and The Pussy

**The Devil Plays Matchmaker!**

* * *

Eren and Levi parted ways after leaving the graduation ceremony – Eren had an after-party thing he wanted to go to that Levi definitely did not want to go to.

Immediately after leaving each other's company, they were assaulted by people they would both rather not meet – Erwin for Eren and the devil for Levi.

"Eren," Erwin said as he dropped into a light jog beside the boy, who was desperate to get away from him.

"Hi," Eren replied warily.

"I just wanted to apologize for provoking Levi just now. I probably shouldn't have done that, but it was just too fun for me to resist."

Eren didn't know who this person was – it was definitely not the Commander from his past life, though. The Commander would never talk about fun and teasing Levi like it was a hobby the same way this person would.

"I know words don't mean a thing without action to back them up, so I have decided to help you out on your conquest for Levi's heart by giving you advice."

_Commander is becoming a love doctor_, Eren thought dizzily.

Just for the sake of being polite, Eren asked, "And what advice would that be?"

Besides, a third-party perspective couldn't hurt, right?

* * *

"Levi!" the devil wailed as the man in question rounded the corner.

"Levi, Levi! My dearest Levi! I haven't seen you in such a long time, I might sincerely have missed you!"

"Did you think I made a good first impression on Eren?"

"I mean, that's really important, isn't it? I heard it is. Friends should leave good impressions on their friends' potential boyfriend-to-be."

"Oh darling, you have no idea how much I love it when you ignore me and don't respond to everything I say!"

"Say, _Damien_," Levi tested the word, which drew a chuckle from the devil, "what sort of condition do you need to be in to grant my wish?"

"Technically, your wish is granted so I can be in any condition in any part of the universe and you'd still get reincarnated a month after you die," he answered without much thought.

Heavy silence settled upon them.

"Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Why did you ask?"

"Baby girl, what are you doing?"

The devil calling Levi _baby girl_ right now probably wasn't helping his cause.

"Levi, stop!"

Damien had never appreciated his teleportation skills more than he did that day. He promised to never take them for granted again as that ability was the only reason he wasn't beaten into devil-mush by the fearful Lance Corporal.

* * *

Eren hadn't even knocked, had barely raised his fists, when Levi shouted for him to 'forget it' and 'just come in already' from inside his house.

He complied without much ado and was settled in his favorite seat mere seconds later.

Levi couldn't help but let out a fond harrumph at Eren's quick attachment to his furniture. Now, if only the boy would apply the same speed to becoming attached to him, Levi could die happily.

"How was the after party?"

**Erwin's Advice #1: Use big words to impress.**

"Well," Eren said. "Magnificent, even. Splendid. Resplendent."

Levi raised an eyebrow at that – a facial expression which Eren apparently associated with being impressed. Since Erwin's first advice turned out fine, there should be absolutely no reason why his other pieces of advice would be faulty, right?

**Erwin's Advice #2: Throw in a cuss word every now and then.**

"Is something the matter, sh-sh-_shithead_?"

Both eyebrows shot up now.

_Even more impressed_, Eren patted himself on the back. _Great!_

**Erwin's Advice #3: Sound haughty. **

"Yes."

"And what would that be?"

"You, brat. What the fuck is up with you? Are you high or some shit?"

Eren rolled his eyes, "Please. Doing drugs are below me."

He didn't catch the "Definitely mentally disturbed. Must be from Erwin's stupid stunt from just now," Levi muttered under his breath.

If he had, he might've stopped himself from carrying out Erwin's last, but definitely not least, advice. As of now, however, Eren had no idea of how badly things were turning out, so he kept to Erwin's script.

**Erwin's Advice #4: Dirty talk.**

Eren's eyes darted about, as if searching for something. He grinned when he finally found what he was looking for – the broomstick tucked neatly into a corner in Levi's house.

He pulled his wand out of his pocket and whispered a spell. In an instant, the broom was moving by itself in a rhythmic motion. From this angle, it almost seemed like it was grinding itself up against Levi's counter.

"I can think of a lot more things we could do with that broom, Heichou."

Levi's eyes lit up and Eren was already mentally congratulating himself on his well-deserved success when Levi suddenly started shaking him and yelling, "Dumb shit, nobody messes with the sacred art of cleaning!" and "Holy fuck, how do you do that, Eren? Can you make anything clean by itself? Can you make my mops mop the floor automatically? Can you? Can you?" instantaneously.

"CLEANING. CLEANING. CLEANING. CLEANING. CLEANING. CLEANING. I WANT TO CLEAN EVERY SPECK OF DUST IN THE UNIVERSE. CLEAN IT ALL."

* * *

At the end of the day, after Eren had wasted all his energy on casting permanent spells on Levi's surprisingly large collection of cleaning supplies (why was he even surprised, again?), he supposed Erwin's four-steps-to-Levi's-heart plan wasn't too bad – it wasn't a success, but it wasn't a complete failure either.

Eren would have to thank Erwin the next time they met each other.

* * *

What do you know – the next time they met each other happened to be during Eren's long-awaited cosplay festival.

It was tradition for Armin and him to attend this festival annually. They have been doing it for years now, long before they had even entered high school. It wasn't necessarily a cosplay-only event – it was more like a Halloween's gathering – although most people chose to cosplay.

Because this event played a relatively huge role in Eren's life (or maybe because he just particularly enjoyed dressing up), he had planned his costume from a few months back. Unlike previous years, he chose to dress up as a cat instead of a specific character.

It wasn't an extreme costume – just a simple meshed shirt and black pants, with a tail sewn onto the back of it, and a black leather jacket to top off the look. He had purposely kept his clothing as simple as possible so that he could bring out the actual highlight – the ears on his head. Not only were they neon pink in color, they were also huge as fuck.

And, what made it even better was the string of letters connecting each ear in equally vivid neon: P-U-S-S-Y.

Levi shuddered when Eren showed him the cat-ears.

Then, Eren brought out a second set of costume that was beyond eccentric and downright ridiculous and no way in hell was Levi wearing that – he would rather spend time with the devil than be forced into that abhorrent thing.

Eren looked up at him with those puppy eyes and he wanted to get the fuck out of there before the boy's methods escalated any further because he did not want to catch himself dead or alive in that costume.

No, it didn't even deserve to be called a costume.

It was an abhorrent thing.

He refused, _adamantly_, when Eren had asked, pleaded, begged and bribed him to wear the costume to the festival.

"But Heichou! It would only be right for you to wear this since I'm going as a cat!"

"Would you rather I skip the damn thing or attend in normal clothes?"

"Normal clothes?" Eren cried indignantly. "You're no fun, Heichou! One does not attend these things in _normal clothes_."

"Alright brat, that settles it, I'm skipping out on this."

"No, no, no! You can't. You- this means a lot to me, Levi."

Eren's voice had suddenly taken on a different tone. It seemed like the boy had decided to try a different strategy as begging proved to be of no avail.

"This is the only thing I have left of my childhood and I just want to share this important moment with you, an equally important person in my life."

_Important person?_

"I promise I would clean with you – manually and without magic – if you do this for me. So, please?"

_Important person _and _cleaning_?

Levi was sold.

* * *

Levi eyed the mirror like he was contemplating shattering it into thousands of tiny shards and then poking Eren's eyes with each and every one of those pieces until his eyeballs dropped out off their sockets.

He was dressed in the abhorrent thing.

He was dressed in the fucking abhorrent thing.

He had saved Humanity's ass _twice_ and this was what he received as payment?

After detecting Levi's murderous intent from across the room, Eren wisely realized that this would be a good time to intervene, before the man lashed out at the mirror and brought his fantasies (no, not _those _fantasies) to life.

"You don't look half bad," Eren tried.

"I dare you to say that again."

Eren dared not.

"I thought so," Levi growled. "Who the fuck would look good in a chicken costume?"

"Hey, now! This isn't a chicken costume – it's a cock. Because I'm a pussy," Eren chuckled at his own lame joke. "Get it?"

If there was such a thing as a negative chuckle, then that was exactly what Levi was doing right now.

He was dressed in a plump, itchy, scratchy ball of feathers that looked like it had been stained by streaks of bird shit. His arms were wrapped with a hanging piece of furry cloth that looked like a pair of wings when he raised them. His ass had a perky little fan of feathers concentrated around it, giving the impression of a chicken tail. His legs were covered by scaly, caramel boots – the color of the lightest shade of shit – and his shoes had been replaced by a pair of chicken feet, complete with metallic claws.

At least he had a weapon for self-defense, he thought wryly.

Oh, and if he had considered Eren's headband bad, then clearly, he hadn't seen his own because for the love of the devil and god, he was wearing a chicken head gear. It had a piece of red rubber dangling below his chin, like a mustache, except it wasn't and it was supposed to imitate the dangling thing roosters had. Aside from all the feather framing his face – the ones he kept on breathing in and sneezing out and catching in his mouth when he spoke – the thing also had more red plastic on his head – spiky ones, to capture the whole rooster look perfectly.

Fucking abhorrent thing.

* * *

Eren had agreed to meet up with Armin in front of the expo hall – so meet up they did. Naturally, the second blonde had brought the first blonde with him. Levi was at least prepared for that.

However, what neither he nor Eren expected were the _costumes_ they were dressed up in.

Honestly, Levi didn't know which one was a cruder representation of whatever the fuck they were trying to represent – Eren and his' pussy-cock combo or Armin and Erwin's egg-and-sausage combo.

It might've been better if Armin was the egg and Erwin was the sausage because going by build and age and whatnot, people would normally assume Armin was the egg in the bedroom while Erwin was the sausage.

Instead, Erwin was dressed as the round, white egg while Armin was dressed as the long, crinkly sausage, leading to Levi pondering about questions he really didn't want to ponder about.

Eren looked like he was about to die from holding back his laughter and shock at the same time, and Levi almost pitied the boy – note, _almost_ – if the same expression wasn't present on Armin's face as well.

This abhorrent thing was going to make people choke and die from laughter.

Well done, abhorrent thing.

Then came raucous laughter and Levi didn't even need to look at Erwin to know that he was to blame.

* * *

Apparently, Eren had 'forgotten' to tell Levi about one key activity in his yearly cosplay event: they were there for two reasons – cosplaying, which Levi was informed of, and participating in a cosplay competition, which Levi was only recently made aware of.

"Maybe if you stop being so uptight the boy will start telling you things," Erwin chided.

"Do you want to die here or outside?"

"In my own bed from old age, thank you."

Levi pretended to look him over, "You're old enough."

* * *

There were three rounds in the competition.

The first round was auditions, in which all contestants would enter a room and perform for the judges. The second round was an all-out between all contestants, but still private and only for the judges. The third and final round was a public round, in which the three finalists would compete for the people's love.

Levi hoped they would lose out in the first round.

No such luck. Especially since Eren practically yelled their group name to the judges: "Cock and Pussy!"

Levi was almost certain their group name was the only reason they passed.

* * *

They should've lost in the second round – really, they should've because Levi was content to just sit around and do nothing to impress anybody and glare at everyone who tried to approach them. But then someone had to provoke Eren and challenge the brat and oh, the game was never more on than it was now.

Of course, when Levi set his mind to doing something, he would see to it that he finished the task, even if it cost him his life.

Which was why the whole room was taken down and within minutes, they were the only two standing. Literally.

And so, they proceeded to the next round.

* * *

"Brat, since we've won this shit, can we get the fuck out of here now?"

"Technically, we haven't won yet, Heichou. There are three rooms. The winner of each room would compete in the finals."

Fucking competitions and their stupid rooms.

But then again, that would explain why they hadn't met Erwin and Armin.

* * *

"The contestants have battled it out!" Cheers. "Now, it's time for them to win your love!" Cheers.

"Entering from the right-stage is Cock and Pussy!"

For a moment, the crowd was buzzing with confusion because okay, maybe you could dress up as a dick but how the hell would one dress up as a vagina? However, the confusion ceased the moment Eren and Levi strutted down the runaway leading to the main stage. Laughter replaced the murmurs and whispers and Levi had never wanted anything more than to exterminate each and every one of the spectators.

"Entering from the left-stage is the Egg and Sausage Duo!"

Of course, it figured that they would win their room.

"And last but not least, entering from center-stage is the Bananaman!"

The laughter doubled at each of their ensembles, before tripling as they realized the finalists were all wearing sexually suggestive costumes.

Levi was seriously about to start crowd diving and slashing at everyone with his toenails when his mind backtracked a bit and he replayed the emcee's word in his head, like his medals might.

"BANANAMAN. BANANAMAN. BANANAMAN. BANANAMAN."

He dreaded the triumphant grin that he just _knew_ would be waiting for him when he turned to look at this 'Bananaman'.

True to his prediction, Bananaman's face was lit by a grin he knew all too well.

It had, after all, followed him around for more than a thousand years.

Beside him, he heard Eren stutter incredulously, "Si- Sir Damien?"

Levi sighed, too weary to even muster enough hate for the fucking devil anymore.

* * *

"Since all three of our finalists are dressed in racy costumes," cheers, "our judges have decided it was only right if this year's theme was," drum rolls, "sex-appeal!"

The crowd cheered harder than when the titans were defeated.

They drew lots to decide the order they would go in. Armin and Erwin were up first, followed by Eren and Levi, and finally the devil.

"Give it up for the Egg and Sausage Duo!"

An upbeat song started playing in the background.

Erwin jumped onto the center of the stage and in one swift motion, whipped around, so his back was now facing the audience. Then, slowly, and definitely not to the beat of the song, he folded his body until his ass was jutting out.

This might've been passable as hot if he wasn't wearing the round costume that didn't even define his ass. When he started moving, there was nothing remotely sexy about it – it was merely a smooth, round bottom moving in circles.

Then, Armin hopped into the space beside Erwin's and started thrusting.

Again, this might've been sort of hot if he wasn't ridiculously dressed in the cylindrical costume that was about double his height. Of course, that extra length made the costume harder to control and his slippery stockings (he chose to forgo shoes today) weren't helping either.

Him tripping mid-thrust, which he did, by the way, was just bound to happen.

Erwin stopped dancing when he heard the thump to his side. He tried bending down to get closer to Armin and inspect him, to see if the boy broke anything, but he forgot he was technically a sphere right now and so instead of landing on his knees, he ended up rolling and literally grinding Armin.

Judging by the animated yells, the crowd was enjoying this.

Levi was too, albeit grudgingly.

That was, until the emcee helped the Armin and Erwin up and excused them and announced that it was time for Levi and Eren to do their number and "_Don't_ break a leg!"

_So funny. Hilariously witty. Ha ha ha. _

The spotlight shone on them and Levi threw Eren a look, making it absolutely clear that he wanted nothing to do with this and he was not, in any way possible, going to participate.

No matter what Eren said or promised.

Which was just as well for Eren because he had taken into account Levi's reluctance when he planned their performance. A crew member gave Eren the chair he requested and, after the boy was satisfied with the prop's placing, he led Levi to the chair and asked him to sit down.

Levi did.

And the song started.

It was the wretched Nyan Cat song.

Eren must've thought he was funny for playing that song in accordance to his costume.

He was not.

Levi made sure his glare reflected just what he was thinking.

Eren paid him no mind, which was disconcerting in itself, and instead focused on positioning himself the right way, with a leg on each of Levi's side.

The boy had begun straddling him, settling down onto his lap at a leisurely pace, when Levi realized what Eren had in mind.

Levi gulped.

Fucked.

He was fucked.

Thank fucking gods the costume was too thick for Eren to feel his newly-aroused member.

* * *

Eren's number had been hot, but of course, paired with their stupid-looking costumes and the equally stupid song, it was just short of absolutely absurd.

Finally, it was the devil's turn.

Unlike the other two pairings, he was actually serious about winning this.

He built the mood with a sultry song and by strutting around the stage in his banana costume.

As the song sounded off into the crescendo, however, he stopped walking around and returned to center-stage, where he ripped his freaking costume off as the song reached its climax, to reveal a surprisingly toned body in nothing but boxers.

That alone, not to mention his next routine, ensured his victory.

* * *

Levi was so appalled by the actions he had committed today that he seriously considered smashing his head onto a metal pole or a brick wall, whichever one was the most convenient.

But of course, as pissed as he was, he won't ruin the chances of him getting together with Eren in this lifetime by killing himself off prematurely.

Until he did.

He was too focused on the delicious mounds that were Eren's ass to notice the incoming car. His unfortunate ignorance resulted in him getting crashed by the car and driven to the hospital in an ambulance, accompanied by a sobbing Eren.

And the devil – although he wasn't in the van with them. He was flying, invisible, above them.

Levi wasn't dead yet, though.

He was hanging on.

* * *

It was hours after the incident when the devil showed up – swaggering towards Eren, who was sitting beside Levi's bed in the shared hospital room.

The devil pushed aside the curtain separating Levi's space, and the noise made Eren's drooping eyelids open to full attention.

"Sir Damien?" he asked drowsily.

"Damien," the devil corrected him.

"Damien. Are you here to visit Hei- Levi?"

The devil's lips quirked at the boy's usage of Levi's rank, from a thousand years ago.

"Yes, I am."

If Levi was awake, he would be proud at the devil's change in demeanor.

"So the both of you did know each other before graduation?"

"We did," Damien confirmed.

"Why did you act like you didn't, then?"

"So I could play with you a little," the devil said frankly, as if that was the most reasonable answer anyone could come up with.

Eren resolved to ask (interrogate) Levi about his friends and _friends_ when he woke up. If he woke up.

Damn it.

"So how did you guys know each other?"

"It's a long story."

"We've got time."

"Maybe, but he doesn't."

All the sleepiness left Eren at that sentence. He didn't know why he was afraid of Levi's death even after witnessing it several times. He knew he would meet Levi again in the future, but somehow the thought of such a strong soldier dying was terrifying.

"What do you mean?"

"He's in critical condition, isn't he?"

Eren eyed the cables and tubes connected to Levi, twisting round and round him, plugged inside and out, and said, "Yes."

"He'll die soon if you don't do something about it. And if he dies by unnatural means, such as a car crash, he wouldn't be reincarnated as Levi anymore."

Eren's heart skipped one, two, three beats.

"How do you know that?"

A feral smile crossed the devil's feature, "Dear boy, I am the devil himself."

Vaguely, Eren wondered how Levi came to know a fucking devil.

"What- what can I do then?"

Then, the devil fucking grinned like Eren had fallen into his trap (which he did) and if only Eren had known the devil a bit better, the boy would've known that the devil was blowing this out of proportions (a sophisticated way to say _he was lying_).

"Only a true love's kiss can save him."

It's so freaking corny Eren would've laughed had it not been Levi on that bed.

"But who-"

"You really are dense," the devil said, sighing. "Dumb brat," he imitated Levi, "who else would it be but you? Why the fuck would he let you kiss him and dress him up in weird shit if it wasn't you he had been pining for?"

Eren had to give it to the devil – his impersonation was quite spot on.

"Are you sure?"

The devil rolled his eyes.

"Yes, darling. I've been sure for a thousand years now."

The boy gave Levi one look, filled with warmth and happiness, before he leaned in and kissed him properly for about the second time in a millennium, without any interruptions.

The devil snapped his fingers behind his back, lightly, so it was inaudible to anybody but him.

_Here's your fourth wish, Levi – to compensate for 'bad customer service', as you put it, even though you were the one who dumped me into the ocean._

And with that, Levi woke.

Eren was surprised to find that the kissing thing actually worked (little did he know that it wasn't so much the kissing as it was Damien's magic). He turned around to thank the devil, but only empty space greeted him.

"Where the fuck am I?" Levi croaked.

"The hospital," Eren said. "Do you remember anything?"

Levi shook his head, "Not really."

Eren then remembered the doctor saying something about giving Levi water if he woke, so he took the glass sitting on the bedside table and dipped a cotton bud inside the liquid before dapping it on Levi's lips.

"So, um, there's something I want to tell you, Heichou."

"Can't this wait, you brat? I'm half-dead right now, in case you haven't noticed."

"You being able to speak like coherently obviously means you aren't half dead."

Levi groaned, "Fine, spit it out."

And then Eren said, without preamble, "I like you. I've liked you for over a thousand years now, Heichou. I just never had the guts to say it to you because, well, I'm scared of facing rejection."

"You're forgiven."

Eren was about to reply when Levi cut him off, "But only if you kiss me again."

The boy happily obliged.

Levi figured out, as he laid on the hospital bed kissing Eren, who was quite possibly his boyfriend now, what 'getting together' meant. It didn't mean cuddling or sharing the same bed or stolen kisses in dank, storage rooms.

It meant belonging to each other.

Stupid, sappy devil.

* * *

"Wait, what do you mean kiss you _again_?" Eren said as they broke off for air.

"Again – it's a word you use for doing something more than once."

"But I- _Shit_, were you awake when I kissed you the first time?"

Levi hummed nonchalantly.

Eren blushed – and Levi couldn't, for the life of him, figure out why that would embarrass the boy.

They settled into silence for a while before the boy spoke up, "So, what now?"

"Now, you tell me when you're ready to move on from first base."

Eren blushed harder, "Aside from that!"

The thing pulling at Levi's lips might just be a smile.

"I don't know."

"What now?"

* * *

**Author's Note**

* * *

One more chapter to go guys! Thanks for all the support and comments and whatnots, you guys are amazeballs As usual, feedback is always appreciated!

On another note: I just finished reading chapter 55 of the manga and I have to say, that 'joke' Armin pulled that didn't sound like a joke at all left no doubt in my mind that ARMIN WOULD MAKE A PERFECT ERWIN, BUT WE REALLY DON'T NEED TO ERWINS NOW DO WE? This doesn't mean I want either one of them to die, oh my god, I'd rather have to scary as fuck characters than one. But still. (Sorry for the rant).


	8. Now, This

_Epilogue_

They say the third time's the charm, but for Levi and Eren, it was really the fourth time.

They didn't have a song, a color or a phrase, but when the devil asked them what their lucky number was (god knows why the devil would need their lucky number), they simultaneously blurted out a 'four'.

Four. Four. _Four_.

The devil referred to them as his fours. Well, on normal day, they are his '_four babies!_' but on rare days, when he was slightly saner than usual, they'd just be his '_fours_'.

Surprisingly, Levi didn't mind that. He quite liked being someone's _four_ – which was the pet name he and Eren had started calling each other with, by the way. That and the occasional _nutella sandwich_. But most of all, he just loved the way the brat's face would light up with that familiar boyish grin of his when he called Eren his _four._

(Or just _his_).

* * *

_"What now?" _ the both of them had asked in the hospital.

Now, Eren sat the devil and Levi down and demanded for answers. They gave each other a look and Levi sighed and said, "Go on."

And so the devil did, making sure to exaggerate heavily on the ways Levi had wronged him throughout their one thousand years of friendship.

("_He threw me in a goddamn ocean, Eren! What if I had drowned to death?_"

_"You're already dead, dumbass."_

"_No, you don't understand. Being dead doesn't make it better. You threw me into an _ocean. _An ocean!_")

* * *

_"What now?" _ the both of them had asked in the hospital.

Now, Eren was stuck with fulfilling his promise to Levi about cleaning 'manually and without magic'.

Whereas other couples would make promises to 'go see the world together' or climb the tallest mountain together or whatever, the both of them (well, it was mostly Levi – Eren was only tagging along) had promised to rid the whole world of the annoying vermin called dust!

* * *

_"What now?" _ the both of them had asked in the hospital.

Now, Eren and Levi would go grocery shopping together. While Levi was excellent at only taking the items they need, Eren would linger in the snack section and always, _always _purchase more than necessary.

The only way to make him put the various chips and biscuits back was to bribe him with sex:

"We don't have enough money, Eren."

"But I'm _really, really, really, really_ craving this!"

Levi took that as his cue to lean in and whisper, "Brat, I'm going to fuck you so hard tonight you won't even remember your name, much less your cravings."

Then, and only then, would Eren put everything back.

Levi sighed, 129.37% convinced that the boy purposely did this every time they went shopping just so that Levi would promise him rough sex.

* * *

_"What now?" _ The both of them had asked in the hospital.

Now, the devil visited Levi and told him this was the last time they'd probably meet each other since Levi's wish had been paid in full.

"We're finally free of each other!" The devil cheered, before alligator tears streamed down his cheeks, "My dearest boy, I'm going to miss you _badly_."

Levi grunted, "I'm not."

The devil sobbed, "Always so cruel."

"Shut the fuck up, Damien. Why did you help me out in the hospital, anyway?"

"Because I'm sick of seeing your grumpy face for a thousand years," the devil mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

Levi scoffed, "Go on then, shoo. Get yourself out of my sight."

The devil stuck his tongue out, "Bye-bye, stupid Heichou."

"Bye."

Damien was about to teleport himself away when Levi said, exasperatingly, "If you really feel the need to, you can come visit once every ten or fifteen years."

"**_REALLY_**?"

"Don't make me regret this."

"I LOVE YOU, LEVI!"

* * *

_"What now?" _ The both of them had asked in the hospital.

Now, Levi cooked breakfast to make sure the boy wouldn't be late for classes – something he found the brat had a penchant for.

Now, Eren would bring home takeout and they would eat while watching one of his favorite shows, or in silence, while the boy did his homework with Levi watching over him.

Now, they would laze around the couch even after the credits start rolling, or after the brat was done with his work, until Eren started looking at Levi with pleading eyes, already biting his lips, and Levi would allow the smallest of smirks to surface before manhandling the boy into whatever position he wanted Eren in that night.

Nine nights out of ten, they don't make it to the bedroom.

* * *

_"What now?" _ The both of them had asked in the hospital.

Now, they go on double dates with Erwin and Armin and pretend it wasn't weird at all.

* * *

_"What now?" _ The both of them had asked in the hospital.

Levi can provide Eren with many things, but certainty wasn't one of them. He couldn't assure Eren that staying together would pay the bills and guarantee the brat a job after college and bless them with eternal happiness.

But, he _can_ assure Eren that he loved him. He can assure Eren that he was heaven to Levi and the moments they spent were brighter and more precious than any ray of sunlight. He can assure Eren that even if everything else were to crumble, his feelings would never die.

* * *

_"What now?" _ The both of them had asked in the hospital.

Now, they live out their lives together, finally, as had been their dream for more than a thousand years.

Now, they had this.

* * *

**Author's Note**

* * *

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, THEIR WELL-DESERVED HAPPY ENDING.

Thank you to everyone who was with me for the ride! I've only been writing fics for about two months and this is my first multi-chaptered fic, so I can honestly say that the response this has received was astounding to my n00bish definition of 'astounding'. Seriously though, every comment, kudos and bookmark kept me going. Thank you especially to those of you who commented after every, single, chapter - you know who you are!

Hope to see you again soon, precious babies

(Sorry for the extra-corny sentimentality).


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